On transparent yoga ...

I had a good, strong class. I couldn't see anyone else's secrets. I tried.

No one knew that I slept with the 28-year-old, who also practiced in the room today, two-and-a-half years ago.

The fact that I survived that, didn't allow that to scare me away from the studio and my practice ... the fact that I can say hello and make pleasantries w/out having any interest in him or any awkwardness about it? Proof I'll get over this latest, recent fling. Just takes time.

"Not a silver bullet ..."

You got this!

That's good. Does he practice with you?

He has, but he seems to have lost interest.

I try to encourage him b/c it's good for his joints and arthritis ... but I don't push him.

I hope he'll remember, when he's older, the yoga as a great tool for life.

He's funny. When I get nervous/anxious about class, he's always my biggest fan. Thinks it's so silly that I get that way ... he thinks I'm a rockstar. We are mutual fans of one another.

I had major anxiety just before my yoga camp/retreat in Mexico. And he's all like, "Mom, you got this."

That's so fantastic

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Namaste, b*tches

Aren't we all a bunch of walking oxymorons? Surely it isn't just me.

From my yoga instructor who was supposed to teach tonight but didn't ...

Hi!!! How's Ryder(?)? I had do go to a doctors appointment for Molly at last minute. How was class. Did Greg kill yall? I'm taking 5:30 tomorrow morning.

Ryder is much better after being home Mon and Tuesday - and on his antibiotics. Thank you for asking. Glad we caught it early.

The kid is predictable. He had strep on Jan. 3 last year, Jan. 12 this year.

Is everything ok with Molly?

I had a feeling you would be swapping with Gregg since you covered for him Friday. : ) And I was RIGHT!

Yes, he killed us. It was probably my worst class in recent memory.

I lost my breath about a quarter-way in ... then my heart was pounding, then my head was pounding, then I felt like I might vomit and/or faint. I sat on the bench in the corner by the tree for a solid 30 minutes after class and I left a mark. : ) BUT, it's better than skipping.

Even Bonita said this was her worst class since the new year, and she goes every single day. I was in good company.

Hoping to make it back tomorrow after work.

It's just yoga

I think that instructor tried to kill me.

Though it was only *eight* days since my last class, I only went 2x over holiday and tonight at BYR was brutal. Was the toughest instructor, the one who does not believe in running fans or opening the door. At all. Ever.

Final Spinal

Yoga instructor saw my "final spinal" at the end of class and asked if I can do full spine twist in advanced. Said "I dunno."

So studio owner told me how, in front of everyone, and I ended up trying and demo'ing. Again, in front of everyone. Also ended up with leg over head, attempting to stand, in front of everyone, as instructed by studio owner. The look in her eyes, as she instructed me on what to do ... And I corrected my "I can't" to "I haven't learned that yet," and her eyes told me she believed I can ... So I did. To a round of applause.

A diff kind of high ...

From the JFC wall-walking soundtrack:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SYM-RJwSGQ8

What an indescribable trip. Missing it already and having trouble adjusting!

T minus ... a little more than 24

Jedi Fight Club approaches ... And Michael is on rotation.

I just practiced for what will likely be the last time stateside until I return ... my fourth 5:30 a.m. class this week. I've been practicing daily, and even though I'm super anxious, I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'll have to accept where I am and just be ok with that. I'm there to learn, afterall.

I still can't believe I'm going.

Week in summary: Challenge complete

OK, so Father's Day came and went and so did my Sunday depression/blues. And for that I'm grateful. Though I should be/possibly am PMS'ing ... so there's that.

I totally finished my 60-Day Challenge a week early, and I've not even posted about it here. I'm not feeling eloquent at all though. And even though I finished the challenge Wednesday, I still practiced last night and am planning on being in the hot room again in less than two hours.

I am such a "go big or go home" person, so "all or nothing," so type-A. I always go overboard. With everything. And I'm aware of it.

Anyway, for obvious reasons, I found this article entertaining: 9 Signs You're Addicted to Bikram Yoga.

Read it, and naturally you'll understand why I might have verbally said, "Yes, Yes, YES" when I discovered there's a studio in Naples. I thought I was going to be SOL next month when I'm in Florida. Relief.

And also, you might understand that I'm having a mini-heart attack realizing I have to pick up my kid and get to practice because it starts in just 70 minutes (yes, I was dicking around and IM'ing and FB'ing and whatnot while also working on this little update here).

M'kay, bye.

First Bikram 60-day challenge in 2014

When I started this current 60-day Bikram challenge: I was excited, pumped, all "I got this! Whoo-hoo, bring on the challenge!"

Two weeks into the challenge: "OMG, when is this going to be over? Seriously, why did I do this? Life is busy, and this takes time, and it's really hard. I'm fatigued and sore." Also, "This is my first challenge while working full-time = bonus points."

Practice No. 30, aka half-way into the challenge: "Whoo-hoo! I'm half-way there! So glad I'm in the middle of this ride. But wait, I'm only half-way there? Where exactly is 'there?' Oh yeah, 'there' is when the challenge is over, but practice will continue since I am training for August retreat in Mexico."

And I've realized that the bigger challenge is maintaining a consistent practice, as part of an improved lifestyle, for a lifetime.

Namaste.

Insomnia-induced decisions

So this morning I had an idea. I couldn't sleep ... woke up at 2:30 a.m. unable to go back to sleep. I need a new mattress. And I did go to bed last night at an hour that could possibly insult the elderly. Regardless, I decided to take advantage of a kid-free morning and ...

... at 5 a.m. I turned on the faucet and started brushing my teeth. From the bedroom I hear boyfran mutter, "Time to get up already?" I am never up at 5 a.m. on a kid-free morning. My first conference call wasn't even until 8:30 a.m.

I started laughing, and I felt giddy and proclaimed, "I'm going to yoga. 5:30 yoga." He responded: "I'm not," which wasn't necessary to say since he's never been ever, and that made me laugh harder, and then he followed with "Fuck that. I'll still be sleeping when you get back at 7:30 a.m. But I guess you gotta go to at least one 5:30 a.m. class in order to realize you never want to do it again." He was kidding, and I was laughing at the insanity ... and the things one will go through to put a silly sticker on a 60-day challenge calendar. As my friend Tulasi says, "I just do it for the stickers."

Boyfran was supportive though and got up, slid into his jeans, and I'm all, "What are you doing? You're getting up?"

He replied, "I gotta move the truck so you can get out of the drive."

Fight Club ... Jedi style ... in four months

I texted:

"My son will be with his father Aug. 1-17 during summer. And they just released the dates of this yoga retreat. It's Aug. 2-10 in Puerto Morelos, outside of Cancun. :)

I registered. They provide accommodations; I just need to book the flight. I am excited.

I will have to train/prepare to get ready for daily double practice there. It's about seven hours of yoga a day. It's going to be hard fun. Also, no smoking allowed on the trip.

We're staying at Casa Om."

What a week this has been. I just found out Tuesday which days R's father is requesting him during summer. And Thursday I got the email about the Jedi Fight Club retreat. When one door closes? Finally something happening that feels right and makes sense. Something to look forward to and a goal to work toward all summer, while my boy is away so much.

Check out this video of the JFC Enthusiasts retreat that took place last August. Click for more information on Jedi Fight Club.

Yes, I am excited.

Rambling that things are probably OK

I think the long weekend did me some good. It probably seems like it obviously would, but I can't really explain HOW.

One of the nicest parts was that we had absolutely nothing on the schedule. However I didn't want to do "absolutely nothing" because I wanted to take advantage of the gift of time.

Saturday morning, I ping'd one of the boy's pal's family to see if he could join us to see the movie "Epic." So yes, I took an additional child with me, which was fun. I was out-numbered, but they were a breeze, well-behaved, and we all enjoyed the movie. The boy's getting to that age where everything's more fun if he can bring a friend. And quite honestly, having two is easier than one (two that aren't related, lol).

I'm really tired of stressing, and there have been so many things going on right now ... so many moving parts, out of my control.

I mean, in case you haven't caught everything: the boy's arthritis may have moved to another joint, which is obviously concerning; my boss left to pursue another opportunity (a boss I really loved, who hired me, and whom I felt safe under); the BD is in town, and I'm going through this legal crap ... and today I'm seeing the doctor about some lymph nodes under my arms that have been swollen off and on for months. I saw this doc in October, and he seemed to think it is just hormonal. But I recall telling my mother about the swelling, and at the time, my glands were about the size of a pea. I asked her to feel one because it wasn't visible.

Monday, I had my arms stretched over my head, as we sat on my back patio, and she said, from across the table, "You have a huge knot under your arm." Well, I have an identical one under the other arm. They're about the size of a ping-pong ball.

So as if I didn't have enough to worry about ...

But hey, I phoned the doctor yesterday and am seeing him today, so, I'm taking care of it.

I woke up in a good mood today ... maybe because it's my mentor's birthday, and we swapped text messages ... maybe because I had an amazing yoga class last night (73 of us in one room) ... maybe because I saw my freshly cut grass that T mowed yesterday, which I couldn't see until this morning because it was dark when I arrived home.

Or maybe because I spoke with my son's father yesterday and informed him that we have a trip booked for Florida, and I wanted to make sure he didn't have any intention of attempting to interfere with it. We booked it months ago, and my son is looking forward to it, and I've been afraid to tell his father because, since we're in "legal process," the law says I need his written consent to take my son out of the state.

I know, it's ridiculous. The man hasn't been back 90 days, and he lived out of state for  five years, but I have to get his OK to take the boy on our annual trip to Florida.

My attorney pretty much said, "Screw it. Don't ask, and just go." But she would never put that in writing.

So anyway, in good faith, I phoned him yesterday and informed him of our plans. He said he would not contest it and sent an OK in writing (email).

Huge sigh of relief, as my mother and I have really been concerned that, despite the fact that I already purchased our airfare, he might try to shut the trip down. But he didn't. So yeah, I'm very appreciative of that.

So maybe I'm in a good mood because I know that in two weeks, we'll be on the beach, and I'm actually going to get a vacation. A break. An escape.

I can't wait.

WANTED NEEDED: Magic

So I've been in a funk. And I have been busy, too.

And since I last posted I attended one soccer skills practice Friday night, and a soccer tournament that consisted of (thankfully) four matches, two on Saturday and two on Sunday. We made it to the finals, and it was wonderful and exciting! But I've been in a funk, and my son's father has been present at all of these events, and it's just all creepy and weird and not our NORMAL since, as I may have mentioned, he lived out of state for the past FIVE years.

I'm still struggling with his presence. I'm waiting to hear back from my attorney, which is what I think having an attorney is really all about ... waiting to hear back from them. Waiting. And waiting.

And my family is all fussin' about how to handle this. My father's wife feels bad for BD because she never got to see her father when she was a child (because her mother wouldn't let him see her) ... but this ISN'T EVEN THE SAME THING, LADY.

So she's kind of being a bitch to me, and the whole thing is just a mess.

I'll be ready for the temporary modification orders to come from the court. The court's No. 1 priority will be to ensure his safety and my child's best interest will be the No. 1 priority. My current fear is that if he spends much time with his father, who has no job and has only temporary housing ... if he spends time, bonds more, and then BD fails him once again and has to move back home with his parents, where he's lived the five previous years? Um, that could really hurt my son.

In my opinion, the man has to earn his time with my child, and I believe that's what the court will expect him to do, as well.

I'm so sick of the whole thing. It's taking a major toll on me.

For what it's worth, I've been trying to drink a ton of water today, and my yoga bag is in the trunk of my car, and after my studio hiatus ... walking back through that door this evening will be really hard.

But man, something HAS to help me get out of this FUNK I've been in for ... um, all year maybe? For too damn long. You know the saying, "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."

Yoga's worked magic for me before ... it probably can't hurt anything ... I mean, I'm not sure I could possibly feel worse. So ... yeah ...

There were some other occurances recently that are contributing to my funk ... last week was a bad week ... but that's a post for another time ...

Let's remove the temporary bandage

It's strange. Me and a couple of gal pals have had this text-thread-thing going awhile. We're all single ('cept I'm now not, but not married either), and I think we like knowing we're there for each other. At the same time, I haven't mentioned this website to them.

But when I have good news, like I finally finished my taxes for 2012 (or rather, my CPA did) and I'm getting a refund? I will text them. Usually someone will respond. On one extremely crucial date recently, someone did respond and pretty much ... well, let's say I can never repay her for her support.

In case I've not mentioned, I'm kind of going through a rough time. I feel like I've been "going through a rough time" since 2003. I messaged a friend today that I think the most stress-free years of my life were 1998 - 2003. I was finished with college. I had a job and could make ends meet, and I was all "focused on my career," and everything was going as planned, but not much was changing. I remember being bored. I got a dog. And I remember being lonely sometimes, but I don't remember being as stressed, as full of anxiety as I am.

No one likes to read about this stuff. Even on Facebook ... It's surprising, but people don't want to look. The people who care don't want to anyway, because it hurts them to read how much you're hurting. So I came here, but a few of you I know (who don't live anywhere near me) are here, but I know you don't really want to hear the bad stuff either. There's enough bad stuff out there. I'd rather read e-cards all day long than read the news media and be reminded how crazy this world is.

And you know what else stresses me out? Is that I want to control it. I want to know the end of the story, because I want to know that it all works out fine in the end. I want to know that everything is going to be OK, and we're all gonna be happy. But no one can tell me that for sure.

It's a new month, and I even though my job is crazy (and I love it), and even though my son's schedule is CRAZY, and even though I have a case with the Office of the Attorney General that is "in the legal process" (pause ... ya'll, this is what's driving me mad ... how is *this* MY life? A case with the OAG?), even though all this shit is going down for real ya'll? I gotta make some changes. Seriously, I thought I needed fewer changes? But I'm second-guessing now ... I've been in a rut for too long ... I need MORE changes.

I either need to focus more at work, ok, shit, I definitely need to do that because I can see some opportunities ... but I am also going to have to go back to yoga, which I've abandoned for more than two months. I last practiced in February, so I'm pretty sure it's actually almost three months.

And I'm dreading looking at myself in the mirror. Do you know that scares me more than I can even explain? I spent 17,610 minutes sweating in that studio last year. If I can operate a calculator, that's 298 hours, and I'm not even sure how much healing that equals, but I know it kept me sane when I was laid off. And if it could do that? Then maybe I really should get back to it, especially since the ex moved to town.

I'm also dreading putting on my cute lil yoga outfits and missing the definition of my muscles that haven't had a good workout in quite some time. And I have my third annual local run against cancer coming up in a few weekends, and yoga will help me prepare for that since I never train in advance anyway.

OK, I think I'm really out of excuses. I am. But I'm terrified. "No one ever died in the yoga room," they say. I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of exposing the wound, but that's where the light will enter, and it needs to be healed.