Confession

I met him for coffee after my Trent time today.

I did the grown-up thing, chose to stick to morals, chose that over desire. It was hard.

And he brought more flowers. Looked like he got all dolled up ... But I did the right thing, and I think we'll still be friends. But I had to set boundaries. Was the right thing.

This staying home when R gone is also hard. To quote Wilco, "I hate it here. When you're gone." And the cold November rain does not help.

Stumbled upon this again today ...

The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- by Charles Bukowski

FC Dallas Select U-11 soccer

When Ryder arrived home tonight and saw his FCD backpack, organized it, tried on all of his gear? It hit me. We're Select. We did it. We didn't talk about it then bail. We're all official.

And I did it w/o financial help from his father or from my parents. Me and Ryder? We did this together. I am proud of us.

Too many words for Twitter

"And that's part of Dad's deal: If he's going to give you money, you're going to listen to all his suggestions about what to do with your life. That's probably every parent's deal. It's why you stand on your own two feet ..." - David Sedaris

Stories unfold

My son is changing, developing, maturing.

I pulled out photo albums in search of pics yesterday, Mother's Day. He flipped through also. Later he had a little meltdown about divorce and why everyone in our family hates each other. His sky was falling. I easily recognized and empathized.

His parents have been divorced longer than he can remember but he is maturing and just now seems to be feeling impact.

I need to write more on this later.

Parenthood

ME: "This was in R's school writing journal."

T-Girl: "Awesome. Very sweet."

ME: "I've yet to see one about his father. Have to brace myself for when that happens in the future."

T-Girl (whose son is two years older): "Here's what it looks like.

Mom vs. Dad ..."

Another soccer update

Jedi won this a.m. Opponents scored first. R equalized with a PK, and it was 1/1 at half.

W scored our second goal, then R scored two more (hat trick!).

Opponents came back to score two more goals, but we won with a final of 4/3.

Sporting FC match followed ... was nil/nil at half. Sporting won with two goals in the second half. Second one was R's - just before final whistle. He was happy.

2/nil final.

Both teams undefeated so far for Spring. Five matches between two teams over next eight days.

Love to watch my boy play.

Thieving

I always sked ortho appts on 1st, 3rd, 5th Thursdays, to buy myself time, steal moments.

A single parent thinks this way.

After appt today? Bluebonnets and slushies before heading back to school and work. Grateful.

Spring soccer: An update

Yes, we had a Sporting (Fire) match at 7:15 last night. It was a great game ... we led with the first goal, then they equalized and it was 1:1 at half.

FC Dallas took the lead 2/1, then we equalized, then they took the lead 3/2, we equalized ... then they again took the lead 4/3, we equalized ... and finally won 5/4. It was great to see the boys apply the pressure to win and not just give up (they could have). Both of my folks were there, and I'm glad my dad got to see a competitive match.

The Sporting team continues to see turnover, with core folks like Greyson leaving, etc., but they have actually looked great lately. I'm curious to see what becomes of this team ... if they really go Select or if it falls apart. I'm staying close to the Warners on this trying to determine direction, etc. Everyone loves Adam (including Ryder), so that's a good thing. But we are short players - no subs last night, one sub today - and I don't believe everyone on the team will show up when it comes time to cough up $$$ for Select (the "shit or get off the pot" moment is coming). I just want to ensure I have a back-up plan and that I'm not blind-sided or left in the dark. I had a good convo with the Warners this eve, and they assured me that I won't be caught off-guard. Going with faith.

Anyway, I digress ... Ryder scored one goal last night and assisted a goal, as well.

We had to be at our match today at 7:30 a.m. for 8 a.m. start. We beat Highland Park Scots 3/nil. The shut-out was nice b/c our opponents looked strong ... either team could have won it, but we just dominated. Ryder scored the third goal of the match. Should be an interesting season for Sporting.

So the eight-game Jedi spring season looks something like: two games in Feb., ZERO in March b/c of rain, and six matches in 11 days in April b/c of make-ups. Is this a season or a tournament? Really.

It's going to be hectic. I'm a little perturbed w/mother nature's havoc on our schedule, but it is what it is.

Both teams are undefeated so far this season, but there's ground to make in a short period of time over the next few weeks.

And there is your play-by-play of Ryder soccer.

Thanks for asking.

On transparent yoga ...

I had a good, strong class. I couldn't see anyone else's secrets. I tried.

No one knew that I slept with the 28-year-old, who also practiced in the room today, two-and-a-half years ago.

The fact that I survived that, didn't allow that to scare me away from the studio and my practice ... the fact that I can say hello and make pleasantries w/out having any interest in him or any awkwardness about it? Proof I'll get over this latest, recent fling. Just takes time.

Tessellate

Bite chunks out of me
You're a shark and I'm swimming
My heart still thumps as I bleed
And all your friends come sniffing

Triangles are my favorite shape
Three points where two lines meet
Toe to toe, back to back, let's go, my love; it's very late
'Til morning comes, let's tessellate

Go alone my flower
And keep my whole lovely you
Wild green stones alone my lover
And keep us on my heart

Three guns and one goes off
One's empty, one's not quick enough
One burn, one red, one grin
Search the graves while the camera spins

Chunks of you will sink down to seals
Blubber rich in mourning, they'll nosh you up
Yes, they'll nosh the love away but it's fair to say
You will still haunt me

Triangles are my favorite shape
Three points where two lines meet
Toe to toe, back to back, let's go my love; it's very late
'Til morning comes, let's tessellate

Love is in the air ...

So my fourth-grader came home with a "girlfriend" today.

He said, "I asked her and she said ... 'Sure.' There are also rules ...
#1 I can't break up with her until April 4 unless she breaks up with me.
#2 Can't break her heart "

Lol! He's my heart breaker, for sure. Hope he's better at relationships than I am!

"Not a silver bullet ..."

You got this!

That's good. Does he practice with you?

He has, but he seems to have lost interest.

I try to encourage him b/c it's good for his joints and arthritis ... but I don't push him.

I hope he'll remember, when he's older, the yoga as a great tool for life.

He's funny. When I get nervous/anxious about class, he's always my biggest fan. Thinks it's so silly that I get that way ... he thinks I'm a rockstar. We are mutual fans of one another.

I had major anxiety just before my yoga camp/retreat in Mexico. And he's all like, "Mom, you got this."

That's so fantastic

Chat Conversation End

Sent from Messenger

Namaste, b*tches

Aren't we all a bunch of walking oxymorons? Surely it isn't just me.

Not bad for zero motivation

Tree is down, and my car is clean. And I practiced yoga and got some light Vit D therapy. I get a star today. Maybe not gold; maybe red.

Life ...

... it's a long game. Two important insights from dinner last night:

Most children who have at least one unconditionally-loving parent turn out fine.

Vigilance is great; be vigilant but don't be paranoid.

It's Friday ...

Response to T-Girl: "I had a bad day ... Water heater leaking and will likely need to be replaced.

Almost didn't go to yoga but did, saw a gal I hadn't seen in forever, got talked into going to dinner with two yoga women friends (went in yoga pants, sweatshirt, UGGs, wet hair don't care). My boss texted me after 7 and may need me in the a.m.

Got home about a half hour ago.

So glad I went to both yoga and dinner.

What time tomorrow? Work should not require my afternoon."

A shot in the arm

This is why he used to be my best friend:

"It's almost February. There was 14 mins more daylight today than Jan 1. There will be 3 min 42 secs more on MLK.

Spring is racing to meet you. "

Resolution

So it's a new year, and I'm going to try to post more ... even if it's just posting text messages and emails and the like that I swap with my anchors.

Just proof to myself that I do "write," even if it's not "official."

To be honest, I do enough "writing" at my day job as it is. Even if it's corporate "blah, blah, blah." On this date, I'm very grateful to write corporate blah-blah. Six years ago the telecom giant I worked for notified us that it was filing for bankruptcy.

Not to spoil the ending ... it does turn out ok, and I have survived thus far.

From my yoga instructor who was supposed to teach tonight but didn't ...

Hi!!! How's Ryder(?)? I had do go to a doctors appointment for Molly at last minute. How was class. Did Greg kill yall? I'm taking 5:30 tomorrow morning.

Ryder is much better after being home Mon and Tuesday - and on his antibiotics. Thank you for asking. Glad we caught it early.

The kid is predictable. He had strep on Jan. 3 last year, Jan. 12 this year.

Is everything ok with Molly?

I had a feeling you would be swapping with Gregg since you covered for him Friday. : ) And I was RIGHT!

Yes, he killed us. It was probably my worst class in recent memory.

I lost my breath about a quarter-way in ... then my heart was pounding, then my head was pounding, then I felt like I might vomit and/or faint. I sat on the bench in the corner by the tree for a solid 30 minutes after class and I left a mark. : ) BUT, it's better than skipping.

Even Bonita said this was her worst class since the new year, and she goes every single day. I was in good company.

Hoping to make it back tomorrow after work.

It's just yoga

I think that instructor tried to kill me.

Though it was only *eight* days since my last class, I only went 2x over holiday and tonight at BYR was brutal. Was the toughest instructor, the one who does not believe in running fans or opening the door. At all. Ever.

Minutiae

Back at work? I am wfh today since school does not resume until tomorrow. At least I can run laundry while home.

We just rolled into Dallas at 5 p.m. yesterday, then R had a match at 8:45.

Found out I'm supposed to be in Vegas for work event next month ... Welcome back, eh? I am stressed already. And in debt ... Sheesh! Holiday was expensive. And I have to fetch dogs in an hour.