Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Rambling that things are probably OK

I think the long weekend did me some good. It probably seems like it obviously would, but I can't really explain HOW.

One of the nicest parts was that we had absolutely nothing on the schedule. However I didn't want to do "absolutely nothing" because I wanted to take advantage of the gift of time.

Saturday morning, I ping'd one of the boy's pal's family to see if he could join us to see the movie "Epic." So yes, I took an additional child with me, which was fun. I was out-numbered, but they were a breeze, well-behaved, and we all enjoyed the movie. The boy's getting to that age where everything's more fun if he can bring a friend. And quite honestly, having two is easier than one (two that aren't related, lol).

I'm really tired of stressing, and there have been so many things going on right now ... so many moving parts, out of my control.

I mean, in case you haven't caught everything: the boy's arthritis may have moved to another joint, which is obviously concerning; my boss left to pursue another opportunity (a boss I really loved, who hired me, and whom I felt safe under); the BD is in town, and I'm going through this legal crap ... and today I'm seeing the doctor about some lymph nodes under my arms that have been swollen off and on for months. I saw this doc in October, and he seemed to think it is just hormonal. But I recall telling my mother about the swelling, and at the time, my glands were about the size of a pea. I asked her to feel one because it wasn't visible.

Monday, I had my arms stretched over my head, as we sat on my back patio, and she said, from across the table, "You have a huge knot under your arm." Well, I have an identical one under the other arm. They're about the size of a ping-pong ball.

So as if I didn't have enough to worry about ...

But hey, I phoned the doctor yesterday and am seeing him today, so, I'm taking care of it.

I woke up in a good mood today ... maybe because it's my mentor's birthday, and we swapped text messages ... maybe because I had an amazing yoga class last night (73 of us in one room) ... maybe because I saw my freshly cut grass that T mowed yesterday, which I couldn't see until this morning because it was dark when I arrived home.

Or maybe because I spoke with my son's father yesterday and informed him that we have a trip booked for Florida, and I wanted to make sure he didn't have any intention of attempting to interfere with it. We booked it months ago, and my son is looking forward to it, and I've been afraid to tell his father because, since we're in "legal process," the law says I need his written consent to take my son out of the state.

I know, it's ridiculous. The man hasn't been back 90 days, and he lived out of state for  five years, but I have to get his OK to take the boy on our annual trip to Florida.

My attorney pretty much said, "Screw it. Don't ask, and just go." But she would never put that in writing.

So anyway, in good faith, I phoned him yesterday and informed him of our plans. He said he would not contest it and sent an OK in writing (email).

Huge sigh of relief, as my mother and I have really been concerned that, despite the fact that I already purchased our airfare, he might try to shut the trip down. But he didn't. So yeah, I'm very appreciative of that.

So maybe I'm in a good mood because I know that in two weeks, we'll be on the beach, and I'm actually going to get a vacation. A break. An escape.

I can't wait.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Another week

Well, the work week is almost over, and I haven't posted since Monday ... mostly because not much has changed.

I tend to fixate on the current legal process we're going through ... trying not to phone the attorney too frequently, as it costs money, but this waiting game is very difficult. Not to mention that my son's father continues to request access. At the advice of my attorney (as well as friends and family), I have stopped responding, as I know he's collecting "no"s from me, with the claim that I'm denying him access.  In part, I am, because as I've continually stated, I want the court to decide on appropriate access.

I'm glad he has some sobriety again, but I can't trust it will last. But what can you trust in this world anyway? There are simply no guarantees.

As I collected items donated to the victims of recent tornadoes, I thought about how I really try to engage in philanthropic activities. It makes me feel good. But why can't I have sympathy for my son's father, if addiction is really a disease?

I think a lot of it is his attitude and approach, his sense of entitlement, him thinking he can show up after being out of state five years and just jump right into my son's life as if his actions over the last decade simply no longer exist.

It's easier to be kinder to a stranger than to someone who has been a very costly liability for so long.

That's really all I have.

I'm looking forward to summer, to my son's sports camp and school being out ... there are things to look forward to, no doubt. I'm trying to focus on those things, but it's difficult right now.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to the long Memorial Day weekend ... and hoping I don't hear from BD too much at the same time.

Hope everyone has a nice holiday and takes a moment to observe the purpose of the holiday -- to honor our veterans and military. Another thing for which to be grateful.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Txt

"I'm just sayin', another kid on the team is adopted and has two mothers, so we aren't the only ones on stage at the freak show."

"You are not part of a freak show. Everything was dandy until Bozo showed up. He's the circus attraction."

Yes, this is part of a text conversation I had today. Yes, the first sentence was what I sent.

And so I read it again before I typed it here. And trust me, I don't judge. And I'm all for marriage equality (everyone should be subject to suffer marriage), and I couldn't give a shit what others want to do in their private lives. So I shouldn't have necessarily delivered that statement the way I did. But it tells you a lot about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

It became kind of necessary for me to share the news about my son's father's reappearance to the team soccer manager ... and I told him in confidence because quite honestly? My son's father is an embarrassment, and it's not something I would ever want my son's peers to know about.

And then there's this one blogger I read, who lost a teenage son to a drug overdose, and she often posts these articles that make the claim that addiction is a disease. That it's not the person's fault. I've heard a lot, read a lot, experienced a lot over the past decade regarding this, too. I see the argument on both sides.

There is no real point to this post, other than I continue to make my way through the waves that my son's father keeps creating in my previously calm water.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Phone conversation with an eight-year-old

This is seriously the phone conversation I just had with my son, whom I called.

ME:  "Hi there. Um, you know how you told daddy that you were going to call Grandma and wish her a happy belated Mother's Day? And you said that since you have soccer Tuesday and Wednesday that you would do it Thursday?"

HIM:  "Yeah."

ME:  "And remember how I suggested you phone her last night since soccer practice was canceled because it was raining? And you said, 'I told dad I would call Thursday, and I will call Thursday?'"

HIM:  "Yeah"

ME:  "Well, it's Thursday."

(Silence ... )

ME:  "So, I know you want to go to Family Fitness Night at school at 6 p.m., which is an hour from now, so could you please call your grandmother now?"

HIM:  "Yes, OK, I will; I'll call dad and get the number."

ME:   "OK, good. Because if you don't call, dad thinks it's because of me and that it's my fault. If you don't call, I get in trouble. So will you please call?"

HIM:  "Got it.  I'm going to call him now."

ME:  "Thank you."

SERIOUSLY -- this conversation really took place. The eight-year-old comprehends more than the 40-something.

No matter that *I* bought a card for his grandmother and had the boy sign it, and I put it in the mail. Why doesn't his father think to do that? It's HIS mom for chrissakes.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Can we do yesterday all over again?

What a wonderful Mother's Day! My mother, son, and man collaborated to make me a very special card ... it's on my bulletin board in my office already ...

And then, we had two matches remaining in our weekend soccer tournament ... we were in third place and had to play the second place team to see if we advanced to play first place or if we fell and had to compete one other team for third. I knew it could go either way.

But the weather was beautiful and the boys played hard, and that first match was a draw that went into PKs ... and we won 3/2. I get such a rush watching those games. It's time I spend truly "in the moment," which I get from yoga practice, only my practice is much harder and less exciting  : )

So we went from third place to second and had to play the first place team in the finals ... the opposing team pretty much intimidated our boys when we played them the day before. They're good; they're strong. Watch out for 91, boy. And my kid took that 91 out of the game at one point (not purposefully, just playing hard defense, like he does). At the half, we were actually up 1/nil. Then we were up 2/nil ... and I was just waiting for that clock to run out ...

Our boys united and rallied to beat a very competitive team and won the Competitive Cup -- 1st PLACE! It was a joy to watch and was truly the perfect Mother's Day ever.

Not to mention, my son's father decided to opt out of Sunday's matches -- he acted like he was doing me a favor by not coming, by "giving" me Mother's Day, and I said, "Doesn't bother me; come if you want. It's up to the boy ..." He said he and the boy had made the decision. So ok, whatever, but what's the catch?

At any rate, his not being there, really did make my day more enjoyable, spending it with my mom, my son, and my man, too. And wow -- those boys, with their giant trophy ... I LOVED it  ... their excitement, the bonding, the celebrating.

Now it's Monday ... and I just want to put yesterday on repeat.  : )

Hope all of you mothers out there had a wonderful day!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Last week and losing Lucy Lu

So I mentioned last week was a bad week. It would make great material for a country song ... and occurrences this week aren't really making this one much better. Yes, whining.

Let's see, first my mom's dog died one week ago today ... that was a very big deal because I found her for mom, mom rescued her and had her for 12 years. Coincidentally, that same day, last Thursday, we thought my son had sprained his arm. He didn't ... there's more to it, but it's something I'll have to write about separately.

I wrote a little obit for Lucy Lu on another site and am sharing it below ... the few of you who know me on that "other site," have likely already read this, but for any anon folks, I'd like to post it here.

ALSO in other news (something positive), I went to yoga Tuesday and *again* yesterday, so I'm back in the hot room and have spent three hours so far this week sweating out the toxins. I'm sore as hell today. I'm sure I'll post more about yoga later but first let me tell you about lil Lucy Lu ...

Lucy Lu was a wonderful companion to my mother for more than a decade. After my mom's first Shitzu, Marcie, passed away at the end of 2002, I quickly took it upon myself to find a "replacement" companion for my mother ... I've since learned there is no such thing as replacing an animal, a soul.

So, knowing my mother liked the breed, I was all over Petfinder.com seeking a Shitzu rescue, and I found Lulu, as I fondly referred to her ... she was a rescue, about two years old at the time, and she was found when boys were chasing her down the street with a stick. She was black and white, so I thought that her being a different color than Marcie (who was blonde), was likely a good thing.

She had two eyes at the time, but one was abscessed ... the vet said from blunt trauma ... and she'd already lost vision in that eye, and it was causing her pain ... but my mother took her took her anyway, and spent as much as it would cost to purchase an AKC Shitzu puppy in order to get her healthy. The vet removed the abscessed eye,  and Lucy lived just fine as a one-eyed dog for years.

Naturally, Lucy was never very trusting of many people. And I recall when I was pregnant, my mother saying, "If she even attempts to bite that baby, I'm going to find her a new home." Guess what? She never attempted to bite baby Ryder, and she was actually protective of him.

I'm very sad to share that Lucy passed away today. She had suffered from pancreatitis for several years, and my mom had been cooking homemade meals, chicken, greens, etc., in an attempt to help her issues.

My mother phoned me today that she had to take Lulu to the hospital, that Lulu was dehydrated, that they wanted to keep her 24-hours and provide an IV ...

So mom left ... went home to get Lulu's bed and blankey, and by the time she returned? Lucy had suffered a blood clot to her brain, which killed her.

I'm so very sad ... and I'm angry that I can't seem to find one good photo of our special Lulu to post here.

Please keep my mother in your prayers, as she goes through this transition of losing a very special soul. Luckily she has one other dog in her home right now, so she's not alone. And as long as I'm alive, she will never be alone.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

WANTED NEEDED: Magic

So I've been in a funk. And I have been busy, too.

And since I last posted I attended one soccer skills practice Friday night, and a soccer tournament that consisted of (thankfully) four matches, two on Saturday and two on Sunday. We made it to the finals, and it was wonderful and exciting! But I've been in a funk, and my son's father has been present at all of these events, and it's just all creepy and weird and not our NORMAL since, as I may have mentioned, he lived out of state for the past FIVE years.

I'm still struggling with his presence. I'm waiting to hear back from my attorney, which is what I think having an attorney is really all about ... waiting to hear back from them. Waiting. And waiting.

And my family is all fussin' about how to handle this. My father's wife feels bad for BD because she never got to see her father when she was a child (because her mother wouldn't let him see her) ... but this ISN'T EVEN THE SAME THING, LADY.

So she's kind of being a bitch to me, and the whole thing is just a mess.

I'll be ready for the temporary modification orders to come from the court. The court's No. 1 priority will be to ensure his safety and my child's best interest will be the No. 1 priority. My current fear is that if he spends much time with his father, who has no job and has only temporary housing ... if he spends time, bonds more, and then BD fails him once again and has to move back home with his parents, where he's lived the five previous years? Um, that could really hurt my son.

In my opinion, the man has to earn his time with my child, and I believe that's what the court will expect him to do, as well.

I'm so sick of the whole thing. It's taking a major toll on me.

For what it's worth, I've been trying to drink a ton of water today, and my yoga bag is in the trunk of my car, and after my studio hiatus ... walking back through that door this evening will be really hard.

But man, something HAS to help me get out of this FUNK I've been in for ... um, all year maybe? For too damn long. You know the saying, "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."

Yoga's worked magic for me before ... it probably can't hurt anything ... I mean, I'm not sure I could possibly feel worse. So ... yeah ...

There were some other occurances recently that are contributing to my funk ... last week was a bad week ... but that's a post for another time ...

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Worth five minutes of your time

What I have to offer ...


"So you are here, and I am here, spending our time
as we must, it must be spent. I am trying not to
spend this time, as I spend most of my time, trying to
get you to like me; trying to control your thoughts, to
use my voodoo at the speed of light, the speed of
sound, the speed of thought, trying to convince you
that your two hours with me are not going to be
resented afterwards.

It is an ancient pattern of time usage for me, and
I’m trying to move deeper, hoping to be helpful. This
pattern of time usage paints over an ancient
wound, and paints it with bright colours. It’s a sleight
of hand, a distraction, so to attempt to change the
pattern let me expose the wound. I now step into
this area blindly, I do not know what the wound is, I
do know that it is old. I do know that it is a hole in my
being. I do know it is tender. I do believe that it is
unknowable, or at least unable to be articulable.
I do believe you have a wound too. I do believe it is
both specific to you and common to everyone. I do
believe it is the thing about you that must be hidden
and protected, it is the thing that must be tap
danced over five shows a day, it is the thing that
won’t be interesting to other people if revealed. It is
the thing that makes you weak and pathetic. It is
the thing that truly, truly, truly makes loving you
impossible. It is your secret, even from yourself. But it
is the thing that wants to live.

It is the thing from which your art, your painting, your
dance, your composition, your philosophical
treatise, your screenplay is born ...
The world is very scary now. It always has been. But
something grotesque and specific to our time is
blanketing us. We need to see that it is not reality; it
is a choice we are making or allowing other people
to make for us."

Read the full speech:

30 September 2011 at BFI Southbank

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Let's remove the temporary bandage

It's strange. Me and a couple of gal pals have had this text-thread-thing going awhile. We're all single ('cept I'm now not, but not married either), and I think we like knowing we're there for each other. At the same time, I haven't mentioned this website to them.

But when I have good news, like I finally finished my taxes for 2012 (or rather, my CPA did) and I'm getting a refund? I will text them. Usually someone will respond. On one extremely crucial date recently, someone did respond and pretty much ... well, let's say I can never repay her for her support.

In case I've not mentioned, I'm kind of going through a rough time. I feel like I've been "going through a rough time" since 2003. I messaged a friend today that I think the most stress-free years of my life were 1998 - 2003. I was finished with college. I had a job and could make ends meet, and I was all "focused on my career," and everything was going as planned, but not much was changing. I remember being bored. I got a dog. And I remember being lonely sometimes, but I don't remember being as stressed, as full of anxiety as I am.

No one likes to read about this stuff. Even on Facebook ... It's surprising, but people don't want to look. The people who care don't want to anyway, because it hurts them to read how much you're hurting. So I came here, but a few of you I know (who don't live anywhere near me) are here, but I know you don't really want to hear the bad stuff either. There's enough bad stuff out there. I'd rather read e-cards all day long than read the news media and be reminded how crazy this world is.

And you know what else stresses me out? Is that I want to control it. I want to know the end of the story, because I want to know that it all works out fine in the end. I want to know that everything is going to be OK, and we're all gonna be happy. But no one can tell me that for sure.

It's a new month, and I even though my job is crazy (and I love it), and even though my son's schedule is CRAZY, and even though I have a case with the Office of the Attorney General that is "in the legal process" (pause ... ya'll, this is what's driving me mad ... how is *this* MY life? A case with the OAG?), even though all this shit is going down for real ya'll? I gotta make some changes. Seriously, I thought I needed fewer changes? But I'm second-guessing now ... I've been in a rut for too long ... I need MORE changes.

I either need to focus more at work, ok, shit, I definitely need to do that because I can see some opportunities ... but I am also going to have to go back to yoga, which I've abandoned for more than two months. I last practiced in February, so I'm pretty sure it's actually almost three months.

And I'm dreading looking at myself in the mirror. Do you know that scares me more than I can even explain? I spent 17,610 minutes sweating in that studio last year. If I can operate a calculator, that's 298 hours, and I'm not even sure how much healing that equals, but I know it kept me sane when I was laid off. And if it could do that? Then maybe I really should get back to it, especially since the ex moved to town.

I'm also dreading putting on my cute lil yoga outfits and missing the definition of my muscles that haven't had a good workout in quite some time. And I have my third annual local run against cancer coming up in a few weekends, and yoga will help me prepare for that since I never train in advance anyway.

OK, I think I'm really out of excuses. I am. But I'm terrified. "No one ever died in the yoga room," they say. I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of exposing the wound, but that's where the light will enter, and it needs to be healed.