Saturday, March 30, 2013

Friday, March 29, 2013

9 a.m. ... Anxiety -> Sadness -> Melancholy ... 1:40 p.m.

OK, so I managed to distract myself with work for a few hours. Or a couple. Yes, I know the difference between a "few" and a "couple." And I know that four-and-a-half hours until I speak with my son doesn't fall into either one of those categories.

Point is that I'm having a problem focusing today, and not one email has come in during the past 90 minutes, leaving me time to work on projects that I can focus ... but yeah, I'm having problems focusing today. I would probably have problems with that even if it was a regular day and my son was at school ... well, a regular Friday before a weekend holiday. Because weekend holidays? They kill Friday productivity anyway. By 3 p.m., no one is in the office, if they showed up at all, opting not to work from home. Friday productivity is an easy victim anyway, let's face it.

I'm kind of past the regular lunch time, too. So maybe I'll slip out early and get a manicure or go *buy something*. I am a firm believer in retail therapy.

I should also go to yoga, but I'm kind of on a hiatus. That's another story.

It's Good Friday ... don't forget to set your boundaries

It's Good Friday, ya'll.  It arrived, along with three members of my ex-family, but nonetheless my son's family.

Most of ... OK, my entire team ... is working from home today. But not me ... I decided to hide in the office, mainly because my ex-husband and his parents picked up my son to take him overnight. He has not seen them since August.

I have not seen them since August. And I had no desire to face them today. I'll get better; I'll get stronger. I'm learning how to set boundaries. But for this initial child-swap, I reached for back-up and went to my father. Rather, he came to me. He arrived at my house this morning, I went to the office, and he dealt with the ex and family.

Again, I'm learning to set boundaries. They were not to be allowed in my home, so my father and my boy threw the football in the front yard before their arrival -- less awkward.

I'm told the exchange went well. My son will phone me later this evening and will be returned early in the morning, as the grandparents are just in town on their way south to an antique show. The ex is staying in town with a friend until he can find a place ...

I agreed to allow him two hours with my son tomorrow (supervised by a mutual friend), after our neighborhood egg hunt. If he asks about Easter? I have a new word in my vocabulary; it's "no."

If I can survive until Sunday, I'll be OK for a while ... until he requests his next visit.

I truly want to do what's right for my son, but I'm scared to death about his father's blind return to our community. He has no residence yet; and he has no job. I realize these are not things I should worry about, but I worry anyway. I'm a professional at it.

The ex is staying with this mutual friend until he can find housing. I had a good chat with said mutual friend last night. Married, with a five-year-old daughter, he intends to allow the ex to stay with him while he works to find housing. If he doesn't achieve this promptly, and if he fails to remain sober, the mutual friend said he will have zero tolerance. It's nice of him to offer initial help, but my ex has been enabled by so many for so long ... it's a fine line, but I think the mutual friend and I both realize that and are on the same page.

Trying to keep my chin up. It is Good Friday, after all.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A coaching conundrum

So you know, this blog isn't going to be all about the train wreck that will arrive at my doorstep Friday. But I'm sure that it will provide some interesting posts, no doubt.

I'm tired. I had to be at the office a little earlier than usual, and I'm not much of a morning person. And I have a team dinner tonight, so it's going to make for a long day. And I'm going to need a sitter.

Luckily my sitter is the man I've recently decided to allow to be a part of our lives. I mean, I've known him 15 years already. But that's sort of another story. Or a different part of the story.

What I have to decide today is regarding soccer. And my son. It's always about my son.

He's been playing soccer since he was four years old. And from the get-go, he had natural ability ... he dominated the recreational pitch ... and I got him into a skills program. And that was a really good program for a while ... but soccer in this city is competitive and political and ... financial.

Though he still plays recreational soccer, he also now plays for a select team. He knows it's a bigger deal, and unfortunately, I think his nerves get the best of him, and he just doesn't perform as well for this particular coach he's currently under. Switching to this select team kind of mixed things up for him. I've witnessed him lose confidence. I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that he hasn't seen his father since August of last year, about the same time he started with this particular select team.

Coach says be patient. It's been nine months. And I'm not good at patient.

So I'm considering switching coaches, but staying with the same organization ... thinking a subtle change will be less of a jolt than a total change.

At any rate, we'll see what happens there. I'm ready to leave this current coach but am waiting for the sub coach to get back to me. And while I'm waiting, the current coach invites us to additional practice. He wants my son at practice more.

That makes sense to me, but it's the getting off work in time and commuting him twice a week -- actually three times a week -- to practice ... with games on Saturdays and Sundays. That's five days of soccer per week.

And my job is kind of important ... and I'm kind of still "new" at work ... just so much change lately is making me struggle.  Geez, I wonder where my kid gets it from? Lord help us.

Monday, March 25, 2013

I had a blog

I had a blog, I suppose I still have that blog ... but I haven't posted in a couple of years ... maybe more ... I don't go back there often. My life is very different now.

So I've been wanting to write more, to post, to blog because what really steered me away from blogging was ... you know ... Facebook. It seemed like a one-stop-shop, and I can post there, too -- you know, "NOTES." And that's what I did ... when it was mostly just my friends on there. Some of the other folks I used to follow via their blogs ... it was definitely before Mrs. Tucker, my third-grade teacher, got on FB and then extended that friend request, and I was all torn about.... should I add her? OK, hell, I'll add her. But I'll be more careful about saying "hell."

And who doesn't remember the awful day you received a friend request ... FROM YOUR MOTHER. Oh lord, she's on FB ... now I'm going to have to be really careful about what I say ... or when I post because lord knows I don't want her asking why I was up at 3 in the morning posting youtube videos of popular 1990s bands.

Are you suffering from insomnia?
Were you drinking?
Is your depression bothering you?
Is everything OK?

Questions. So at any rate, FB is no longer the best place for me to be HONEST. It's not a place where I can vent. (And it's kind of "brag book," and it's getting disgusting.) And so I find myself right back here on Blogger.

And no, everything is not OK right now.

I'm a single-mom.  To a wonderful son.  Who is now eight years old.

His father left the state, when my child was three years old, to return to his home state, where his family resides. I honestly can't tell you how huge of a relief that was for me because when he lived HERE, I played "fake family" for two entire years, trying to allow my son to have as much safe and secure time with his alcoholic father as possible. I supervised visits. I turned him away when he showed up intoxicated.

He was moving away?  Sure, just for six months, to get on his feet ... but ...

RELIEF. I'm friggin' FREE. Oh, OK mostly free. I'll play "fake family" on holidays.

Christmas? I can do it for Christmas, sure. Birthdays? No problem! I can handle, what,  maybe four visits per year? And I'll take the relief of knowing that when he gets arrested for speeding, and being drunk while speeding, he won't call me. Because I'm thousands of miles away.

(He did phone his parents. And they did fetch him ... and he managed to get that violation knocked down to a ticket for "distracted driving" because it was his first offense in Hamilton County.)

Five years later ... he's completed his fourth rehab in the decade that I've known him ... but he's taken it further ... he completed 90-days in a "transitional living" house, after his 28-day stay in-patient. He's seeking aftercare. He's doing what he's supposed to be doing.

And he's coming to visit for Easter. But I can't play "fake family" this time ... I have a life again, and he has no departure date in sight. And he intends to find local "transitional living," and he wants to now be more involved in my son's life.

Well, shit.  See, everything is not OK.  Just don't tell FB.