Let's remove the temporary bandage

It's strange. Me and a couple of gal pals have had this text-thread-thing going awhile. We're all single ('cept I'm now not, but not married either), and I think we like knowing we're there for each other. At the same time, I haven't mentioned this website to them.

But when I have good news, like I finally finished my taxes for 2012 (or rather, my CPA did) and I'm getting a refund? I will text them. Usually someone will respond. On one extremely crucial date recently, someone did respond and pretty much ... well, let's say I can never repay her for her support.

In case I've not mentioned, I'm kind of going through a rough time. I feel like I've been "going through a rough time" since 2003. I messaged a friend today that I think the most stress-free years of my life were 1998 - 2003. I was finished with college. I had a job and could make ends meet, and I was all "focused on my career," and everything was going as planned, but not much was changing. I remember being bored. I got a dog. And I remember being lonely sometimes, but I don't remember being as stressed, as full of anxiety as I am.

No one likes to read about this stuff. Even on Facebook ... It's surprising, but people don't want to look. The people who care don't want to anyway, because it hurts them to read how much you're hurting. So I came here, but a few of you I know (who don't live anywhere near me) are here, but I know you don't really want to hear the bad stuff either. There's enough bad stuff out there. I'd rather read e-cards all day long than read the news media and be reminded how crazy this world is.

And you know what else stresses me out? Is that I want to control it. I want to know the end of the story, because I want to know that it all works out fine in the end. I want to know that everything is going to be OK, and we're all gonna be happy. But no one can tell me that for sure.

It's a new month, and I even though my job is crazy (and I love it), and even though my son's schedule is CRAZY, and even though I have a case with the Office of the Attorney General that is "in the legal process" (pause ... ya'll, this is what's driving me mad ... how is *this* MY life? A case with the OAG?), even though all this shit is going down for real ya'll? I gotta make some changes. Seriously, I thought I needed fewer changes? But I'm second-guessing now ... I've been in a rut for too long ... I need MORE changes.

I either need to focus more at work, ok, shit, I definitely need to do that because I can see some opportunities ... but I am also going to have to go back to yoga, which I've abandoned for more than two months. I last practiced in February, so I'm pretty sure it's actually almost three months.

And I'm dreading looking at myself in the mirror. Do you know that scares me more than I can even explain? I spent 17,610 minutes sweating in that studio last year. If I can operate a calculator, that's 298 hours, and I'm not even sure how much healing that equals, but I know it kept me sane when I was laid off. And if it could do that? Then maybe I really should get back to it, especially since the ex moved to town.

I'm also dreading putting on my cute lil yoga outfits and missing the definition of my muscles that haven't had a good workout in quite some time. And I have my third annual local run against cancer coming up in a few weekends, and yoga will help me prepare for that since I never train in advance anyway.

OK, I think I'm really out of excuses. I am. But I'm terrified. "No one ever died in the yoga room," they say. I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of exposing the wound, but that's where the light will enter, and it needs to be healed.

Here we go

Well, I'm pursuing a modification. I don't want to make the rules, so I'm engaging the court system ... hoping it will be a stress relief and not an additional source of stress.

A modification is the only way we can require BD have random drug/alcohol screens ... and it will provide him a path to follow in order to earn the right to spend time with my son. If he passes tests, remains sober, he will be rewarded with additional possession.

I think this is fair. Even if I might not like the outcome. Again, I don't want to make the rules, so ... here we go ...

Hold me, Thursday

Great news! The gigantic oral ulcer, perhaps crop of ulcers, that decided to show up in my mouth Friday? Almost gone. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight. I never bitch about losing weight. It's easy enough to put pounds back on anyway.

Two soccer practices were canceled due to weather this week and one match has been canceled (so far) ... and I've felt I've had to communicate with the baby-daddy (BD) because he had planned to attend these events ... and then I realized, eff this. I sent a note to the rec coach, cc'd BD, and requested he be added to the email distribution list. At least that takes me out of the middle of that. Let him watch his own email account.

I'm dealing with a lot of resentment right now. I'm dealing with a lot of everything; but let me tell you, I do have me some resentment. I know it's not good. I know we're supposed to forgive people and let things go, but until this situation stabilizes, I'm likely to be all over the map emotionally. And I'm pretty sure that means for like, the rest of my life.

I'm not even ready for the weekend. During the weekends I can't hide at work, and I like to hide at work. Maybe it's time I try an old hiding spot -- the yoga studio ... we'll see ... not sure I'm ready yet.

A coaching conundrum

So you know, this blog isn't going to be all about the train wreck that will arrive at my doorstep Friday. But I'm sure that it will provide some interesting posts, no doubt.

I'm tired. I had to be at the office a little earlier than usual, and I'm not much of a morning person. And I have a team dinner tonight, so it's going to make for a long day. And I'm going to need a sitter.

Luckily my sitter is the man I've recently decided to allow to be a part of our lives. I mean, I've known him 15 years already. But that's sort of another story. Or a different part of the story.

What I have to decide today is regarding soccer. And my son. It's always about my son.

He's been playing soccer since he was four years old. And from the get-go, he had natural ability ... he dominated the recreational pitch ... and I got him into a skills program. And that was a really good program for a while ... but soccer in this city is competitive and political and ... financial.

Though he still plays recreational soccer, he also now plays for a select team. He knows it's a bigger deal, and unfortunately, I think his nerves get the best of him, and he just doesn't perform as well for this particular coach he's currently under. Switching to this select team kind of mixed things up for him. I've witnessed him lose confidence. I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that he hasn't seen his father since August of last year, about the same time he started with this particular select team.

Coach says be patient. It's been nine months. And I'm not good at patient.

So I'm considering switching coaches, but staying with the same organization ... thinking a subtle change will be less of a jolt than a total change.

At any rate, we'll see what happens there. I'm ready to leave this current coach but am waiting for the sub coach to get back to me. And while I'm waiting, the current coach invites us to additional practice. He wants my son at practice more.

That makes sense to me, but it's the getting off work in time and commuting him twice a week -- actually three times a week -- to practice ... with games on Saturdays and Sundays. That's five days of soccer per week.

And my job is kind of important ... and I'm kind of still "new" at work ... just so much change lately is making me struggle.  Geez, I wonder where my kid gets it from? Lord help us.