How many absentee fathers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

For someone who likes structure? Why do I struggle so much with boundaries? I think it's because I've had a lot of experience attempting to establish them with people who just continuously ignore me. While my ex-husband is following the rules, for now, regarding my son, he's pushing other buttons, and it certainly feels intentional.

For example, I requested he make any visitation requests one week in advance. He can ask; I can say yes or I can say no, but in order to answer him? He must provide oh ... the obvious things ... like who's accompanying him (aka supervising), the date, the time, where they plan to go and what time they plan to return. If I'm given that information, then I can make a decision.

He has been asking me all week if he can have some time with our son after this weekend's soccer match. He said his cousin is going to supervise -- she has two kids, my son will enjoy seeing them, blah, blah, but ...

WHAT TIME? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT TIME ARE YOU PROPOSING YOU RETURN HIM? These are the details I waited for him to provide. But instead? He just continuously texted ... "Let me know about Sunday so I can plan accordingly."

What the hell am I supposed to let him know about Sunday? Dude, step up, create a plan, and then I'll let you know if I think it is OK or if I am not OK with it.

Doesn't seem that hard, right?

Why is it my job to "let him know about Sunday?" I don't know if he's expecting me to plan his time with my son for him ... actually he probably DOES sort of expect me to do that. And I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen.

It's like, how hard is this, dude? He had me in a rant this morning before I even got to the office. Because I (set a boundary and) told him not to text me during office hours, so he sends emails to my home email account. OK, fair enough. I need to make sure I don't respond to them during business hours. And maybe I shouldn't read them in the morning either.

And the other thing he asked about (I literally received a half dozen emails from him this morning) ... um, yeah, he wants to know when he should expect to hear from my attorney because he really wants some change to the current system and the sooner would be better, he claims, for the boy (i.e. him). He doesn't want to confuse my son ... trust me, there's no confusion on my son's part. He knows daddy's in town; he gets to see him; but mom makes the rules. The kid understands better than BD.

But wait, go back to what he actually ASKED ...

I'm sorry, did he really JUST ASK ME when MY ATTORNEY will be doing some work for HIM or his benefit?

LORD. If he was so concerned about the current decree status, which basically says he can access and visit with the boy as "arranged and agreed upon by" me, then why didn't he hire his own damn attorney?

I sometimes think he's more interested in bugging the shit out of me than he is in actually seeing his kid. The guy just blows my mind. How many emails did it take to clarify what his request was for Sunday?

And I didn't answer his email about the attorney. He should be careful what he asks for ... he's hearing from the attorney real soon ... the plan is to have him served papers tomorrow.

However, it will take about three weeks before we can get the case moved to the local county court, and we'll be working on the modification of possession and access, and in the meantime, he's going to have to deal with the way things are now. And since I'm the CEO of this bitch, he's going to have to comply to the tough tasks of fulfilling my requests that he provide the details of his proposed visits a week in advance.

Just wait until the court requests drug and alcohol screens before he sees the child -- and at his expense. He thinks it's bad now? That I'm inconvenient? He has no idea.

Yes, I am pissed at him, at his invasion. But I promise, the modification order is being put in place to protect my child first and foremost, to provide some structure and take the responsibility off of me, and to actually provide the jackass a path he can follow to eventually gain more access. I don't know if he'll see it that way, but I also don't really care.

OK

Remember Blue October's "Hate Me?"

Yeah, well, ask and you shall receive ... again. I thought we went through this in 2006-2007 ... and you drove so fucking far away that you never crossed my mind.

And now? You've returned, with a sense of entitlement. It reminds me how I felt six years ago, but you've changed your tune ... maybe I need to see what Blue October's been writing lately for clues to what's ahead.

Even given all this, it's still a good song. And Melrose Place? Was a really good show.

Hold me, Thursday

Great news! The gigantic oral ulcer, perhaps crop of ulcers, that decided to show up in my mouth Friday? Almost gone. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight. I never bitch about losing weight. It's easy enough to put pounds back on anyway.

Two soccer practices were canceled due to weather this week and one match has been canceled (so far) ... and I've felt I've had to communicate with the baby-daddy (BD) because he had planned to attend these events ... and then I realized, eff this. I sent a note to the rec coach, cc'd BD, and requested he be added to the email distribution list. At least that takes me out of the middle of that. Let him watch his own email account.

I'm dealing with a lot of resentment right now. I'm dealing with a lot of everything; but let me tell you, I do have me some resentment. I know it's not good. I know we're supposed to forgive people and let things go, but until this situation stabilizes, I'm likely to be all over the map emotionally. And I'm pretty sure that means for like, the rest of my life.

I'm not even ready for the weekend. During the weekends I can't hide at work, and I like to hide at work. Maybe it's time I try an old hiding spot -- the yoga studio ... we'll see ... not sure I'm ready yet.