Rambling that things are probably OK

I think the long weekend did me some good. It probably seems like it obviously would, but I can't really explain HOW.

One of the nicest parts was that we had absolutely nothing on the schedule. However I didn't want to do "absolutely nothing" because I wanted to take advantage of the gift of time.

Saturday morning, I ping'd one of the boy's pal's family to see if he could join us to see the movie "Epic." So yes, I took an additional child with me, which was fun. I was out-numbered, but they were a breeze, well-behaved, and we all enjoyed the movie. The boy's getting to that age where everything's more fun if he can bring a friend. And quite honestly, having two is easier than one (two that aren't related, lol).

I'm really tired of stressing, and there have been so many things going on right now ... so many moving parts, out of my control.

I mean, in case you haven't caught everything: the boy's arthritis may have moved to another joint, which is obviously concerning; my boss left to pursue another opportunity (a boss I really loved, who hired me, and whom I felt safe under); the BD is in town, and I'm going through this legal crap ... and today I'm seeing the doctor about some lymph nodes under my arms that have been swollen off and on for months. I saw this doc in October, and he seemed to think it is just hormonal. But I recall telling my mother about the swelling, and at the time, my glands were about the size of a pea. I asked her to feel one because it wasn't visible.

Monday, I had my arms stretched over my head, as we sat on my back patio, and she said, from across the table, "You have a huge knot under your arm." Well, I have an identical one under the other arm. They're about the size of a ping-pong ball.

So as if I didn't have enough to worry about ...

But hey, I phoned the doctor yesterday and am seeing him today, so, I'm taking care of it.

I woke up in a good mood today ... maybe because it's my mentor's birthday, and we swapped text messages ... maybe because I had an amazing yoga class last night (73 of us in one room) ... maybe because I saw my freshly cut grass that T mowed yesterday, which I couldn't see until this morning because it was dark when I arrived home.

Or maybe because I spoke with my son's father yesterday and informed him that we have a trip booked for Florida, and I wanted to make sure he didn't have any intention of attempting to interfere with it. We booked it months ago, and my son is looking forward to it, and I've been afraid to tell his father because, since we're in "legal process," the law says I need his written consent to take my son out of the state.

I know, it's ridiculous. The man hasn't been back 90 days, and he lived out of state for  five years, but I have to get his OK to take the boy on our annual trip to Florida.

My attorney pretty much said, "Screw it. Don't ask, and just go." But she would never put that in writing.

So anyway, in good faith, I phoned him yesterday and informed him of our plans. He said he would not contest it and sent an OK in writing (email).

Huge sigh of relief, as my mother and I have really been concerned that, despite the fact that I already purchased our airfare, he might try to shut the trip down. But he didn't. So yeah, I'm very appreciative of that.

So maybe I'm in a good mood because I know that in two weeks, we'll be on the beach, and I'm actually going to get a vacation. A break. An escape.

I can't wait.

Another week

Well, the work week is almost over, and I haven't posted since Monday ... mostly because not much has changed.

I tend to fixate on the current legal process we're going through ... trying not to phone the attorney too frequently, as it costs money, but this waiting game is very difficult. Not to mention that my son's father continues to request access. At the advice of my attorney (as well as friends and family), I have stopped responding, as I know he's collecting "no"s from me, with the claim that I'm denying him access.  In part, I am, because as I've continually stated, I want the court to decide on appropriate access.

I'm glad he has some sobriety again, but I can't trust it will last. But what can you trust in this world anyway? There are simply no guarantees.

As I collected items donated to the victims of recent tornadoes, I thought about how I really try to engage in philanthropic activities. It makes me feel good. But why can't I have sympathy for my son's father, if addiction is really a disease?

I think a lot of it is his attitude and approach, his sense of entitlement, him thinking he can show up after being out of state five years and just jump right into my son's life as if his actions over the last decade simply no longer exist.

It's easier to be kinder to a stranger than to someone who has been a very costly liability for so long.

That's really all I have.

I'm looking forward to summer, to my son's sports camp and school being out ... there are things to look forward to, no doubt. I'm trying to focus on those things, but it's difficult right now.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to the long Memorial Day weekend ... and hoping I don't hear from BD too much at the same time.

Hope everyone has a nice holiday and takes a moment to observe the purpose of the holiday -- to honor our veterans and military. Another thing for which to be grateful.

Diamonds on the soles of my shoes ...

It's Friday. I have clean hair, and it's Friday. And the sun is shining, and I'm wearing my glitter TOMS.

I've added the word "NO" to my vocabulary, and I awoke having made a decision that I? Am not going to entertain my ex with any communication whatsoever. I hired an attorney for a reason, right? He has legal counsel now. There's no need for me to converse with him.

Peas and pears, ya'll.  And TGIF.

Something every damn day

This is simply the easiest way for me to update ...

Hi [Paralegal]:  I spoke with [attorney] yesterday and let her know that I received a “Child Support Review Process Notice” in the mail from the [Previous] County Court.  I assume [BD] requested the review, in order to get his support lowered, before we made the motion to move the case to [Current] County.

The notice states:

Please attend your Child Support Review Negotiation Conference scheduled for:

Date:                    05/01/2013

Time:                    2:30 p.m.

Location:              County DRO

                            Child Support Division

[Attorney] said I should bring this document to your office and that you guys would take care of it.  I can drop the notice off at your office today … is there a time that works best?

Also, how do we “take care of it?”  Will it be rolled into the modification?

AND – have you yet heard anything from [BD's attorney] at [opposing firm]?  You said you know them well.  Can you provide any insight?

Thanks so much.  And let me know what time is best to drop off this document today.

Peace and Prayers!

Received from BD this evening ...

As I may have mentioned, he had a job lead, and he has secured it. In his email he provided his employer details, indicated that he had contacted the Office of the Attorney General to inform them of his new employment and to request they forward the appropriate paperwork for child support to be deducted from his payroll. Good start.

Then he drops this bomb:
"I also wanted to inform you that I have secured the legal services of [Law Office]; my attorney's name is [Jane Dick].

I believe it would be a good time to begin cooperating (as I have suggested) so that we can move forward with effective co-parenting. We can discuss this more later, as I need to get running in order to make it to [child's] sport practice.

However, I would like to point out that my attorney has informed me that you are in violation of the decree in demanding supervised visitation. It's not fair to [son], to me, to the one's having to supervise, and certainly not to you to have to feel like you need to be in absolute control of everything. Will talk soon.

Peace and Prayers!"

First, the current decree in place indicates that his access to our child is "as agreed upon and arranged by [me]." I'm not agreeing to unsupervised visitation at this point, so ... try enforcing that. Also, he is actually in violation of the decree because he is behind on court-ordered child support.

My basic response to his email was that I anticipate our attorneys will soon be in touch.

And I can't tell you how friggin sick I am of him ending all of his messages with "Peace and Prayers!"

Like most addicts in recovery he's clinging to religion, certain the Lord will make everything ok. There's a saying ... "God can give you a boat, and he can give you oars, but you have to ROW."

I am glad he's doing his part, but based on his history, I'm hopeful the court will put temporary modification orders in place that will require him to have random drug/alcohol screens and earn additional access to our child over time. He can't just show back up five years later, with no repercussions for his actions over the past decade.

Crap, maybe I do need to pray.

Scratch that

So after being told that my ex would NOT be served Friday, that it would be Monday ... I got a call after 5 p.m. Friday with a voice message saying that he had been served. The?

I think my reaction (surprise!) may have been worse than his. Or maybe he wasn't shocked or surprised. I don't know.

I just do know this shit is hard, and I'm tired of being mad, but I don't know how to be anything else.

Now we wait for 20 days for him to respond ... maybe he'll get an attorney. Really, I have no idea what to expect. But I need structure. And I need to say NO more.

And I need a nap because I woke up every hour last night, and it's been an exhausting Monday.

Also, I fear this is only the beginning, but I hope things get better/easier soon.

A Friday better than Good Friday

I'm not as mad today. Fridays are good like that. But I am curious to see if the attorney gets our motion and petition to the clerk's office today, and to see if BD gets served today.

I'm also anxious to see how he responds.

Blarghity, blargh, blargh.

I think I will go shopping after work. I'm a firm believer in retail therapy.

UPDATE:  There will be no serving of the papers until at least Monday. So, really, it's probably better to start the weekend off this way anyway. Just another reason to hate Mondays, eh?

How many absentee fathers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

For someone who likes structure? Why do I struggle so much with boundaries? I think it's because I've had a lot of experience attempting to establish them with people who just continuously ignore me. While my ex-husband is following the rules, for now, regarding my son, he's pushing other buttons, and it certainly feels intentional.

For example, I requested he make any visitation requests one week in advance. He can ask; I can say yes or I can say no, but in order to answer him? He must provide oh ... the obvious things ... like who's accompanying him (aka supervising), the date, the time, where they plan to go and what time they plan to return. If I'm given that information, then I can make a decision.

He has been asking me all week if he can have some time with our son after this weekend's soccer match. He said his cousin is going to supervise -- she has two kids, my son will enjoy seeing them, blah, blah, but ...

WHAT TIME? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT TIME ARE YOU PROPOSING YOU RETURN HIM? These are the details I waited for him to provide. But instead? He just continuously texted ... "Let me know about Sunday so I can plan accordingly."

What the hell am I supposed to let him know about Sunday? Dude, step up, create a plan, and then I'll let you know if I think it is OK or if I am not OK with it.

Doesn't seem that hard, right?

Why is it my job to "let him know about Sunday?" I don't know if he's expecting me to plan his time with my son for him ... actually he probably DOES sort of expect me to do that. And I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen.

It's like, how hard is this, dude? He had me in a rant this morning before I even got to the office. Because I (set a boundary and) told him not to text me during office hours, so he sends emails to my home email account. OK, fair enough. I need to make sure I don't respond to them during business hours. And maybe I shouldn't read them in the morning either.

And the other thing he asked about (I literally received a half dozen emails from him this morning) ... um, yeah, he wants to know when he should expect to hear from my attorney because he really wants some change to the current system and the sooner would be better, he claims, for the boy (i.e. him). He doesn't want to confuse my son ... trust me, there's no confusion on my son's part. He knows daddy's in town; he gets to see him; but mom makes the rules. The kid understands better than BD.

But wait, go back to what he actually ASKED ...

I'm sorry, did he really JUST ASK ME when MY ATTORNEY will be doing some work for HIM or his benefit?

LORD. If he was so concerned about the current decree status, which basically says he can access and visit with the boy as "arranged and agreed upon by" me, then why didn't he hire his own damn attorney?

I sometimes think he's more interested in bugging the shit out of me than he is in actually seeing his kid. The guy just blows my mind. How many emails did it take to clarify what his request was for Sunday?

And I didn't answer his email about the attorney. He should be careful what he asks for ... he's hearing from the attorney real soon ... the plan is to have him served papers tomorrow.

However, it will take about three weeks before we can get the case moved to the local county court, and we'll be working on the modification of possession and access, and in the meantime, he's going to have to deal with the way things are now. And since I'm the CEO of this bitch, he's going to have to comply to the tough tasks of fulfilling my requests that he provide the details of his proposed visits a week in advance.

Just wait until the court requests drug and alcohol screens before he sees the child -- and at his expense. He thinks it's bad now? That I'm inconvenient? He has no idea.

Yes, I am pissed at him, at his invasion. But I promise, the modification order is being put in place to protect my child first and foremost, to provide some structure and take the responsibility off of me, and to actually provide the jackass a path he can follow to eventually gain more access. I don't know if he'll see it that way, but I also don't really care.

EXCLAMATION

So ... I stopped by the law office this morning to drop something off, and there's just so much information I'm trying to wrap my head around.

We're going to request to move the case to my current county of residence (which differs from the county in which the case was closed previously and in which I resided six years ago), so I thought that would take a few weeks and well, I didn't think any papers were going to be served for a couple of weeks -- after the case was transferred.

That's what I was told this morning; I kind of liked that idea.

While I was in the ladies room at work, "HolyFuckingShit," shot out of my mouth when I read the email. The words shot, like a Tourette's bullet, and I almost dropped my mobile, like the first time I fired a gun.

The email stated:
"I was incorrect in telling you that the Petition to Modify would not be filed until the case is transferred.

We are filing the Petition to Modify at the same time we file the Motion/Order to Transfer Case. Therefore, [BD] will be served this week!"

That exclamation point? That's the paralegal's exclamation point. Which MUST mean EXCLAMATION.

I think. I'm no paralegal though.

Here we go

Well, I'm pursuing a modification. I don't want to make the rules, so I'm engaging the court system ... hoping it will be a stress relief and not an additional source of stress.

A modification is the only way we can require BD have random drug/alcohol screens ... and it will provide him a path to follow in order to earn the right to spend time with my son. If he passes tests, remains sober, he will be rewarded with additional possession.

I think this is fair. Even if I might not like the outcome. Again, I don't want to make the rules, so ... here we go ...

Here again, already, Monday?

So another Monday, but a better Monday than the previous one, at least so far.

So much has happened since I last posted ... I should have posted, as things occurred, but I have been busy at work and just didn't have the energy.

BD has impressed me a bit in that he already managed to find a sober living residence his first week in town. I did some research and was amazed at the number of these houses that are in the community -- and more specifically, in my own suburban area. Also, since he spent 90 days in one of these homes while out of state, and these homes all belong to the same organization, he likely had a bit of inside help. OK, well, good for him (and even better for our mutual friend and his family, with whom BD was staying). Next step? Well, he needs to get a JOB. These residences are not free. Supposedly he has an interview today.

He's been agreeable to all of my boundaries and rules so far. I just wish he'd go away; I haven't had to deal with him much over the past five years, and I simply don't want to. But ...

I had to see him at my son's two soccer matches this weekend. He makes my skin crawl. He stresses me out.

On Friday, he hit me with some sort of amateur "official" email letter, stating he would like to pursue a modification to our existing divorce decree -- said he'd had an initial consultation with an attorney who suggested he is entitled to scheduled, unsupervised visits. If an attorney "suggested" that -- well then that attorney does not know the whole truth. I'm certain BD left out a lot of detail.

So this amateur "official" email letter sent me off and into a tailspin. I forwarded it to the attorney with whom I initially consulted prior to his arrival. I meet with that attorney today.

I know my attorney will also suggest a modification, and the terms of his visits will require drug and alcohol screens. I'm OK with that -- good with that, agree with that, that they should be required and are necessary. But I'm not good with the entire A to Z plan, with Z being he eventually earns standard visitation.

So, I'm going to see if we can demand testing for now, with out diving into the rabbit hole that pursuing a legal modification to the decree will certainly become. If he wants a modification, let him cough up a few thousand dollars for a modification -- and if that ever happens, I will retain representation. I'm not sure how my attorney will feel or advise me regarding this. But I guess I will find out today.