Things I learned today ... from strangers:

I wasn't alone drinking barium sulfate. I met a man, and it was almost like *happy* hour. I don't know this person's name. I don't know what his CT scan is for or what lies ahead of him. I do know he's funny ... that he would rather see his "last ex-wife pole-dancing than have to drink the rest of this crap."

I wasn't alone in the CT room. I met the technician. She's never had a mammogram because she's only 35. She used to go to Texas Scottish Rite Hospital, like my son. When she was born, her fingers were webbed. They corrected it, and she liked going back because they have such interesting things to look at, and the popcorn, yes, she remembers the popcorn, and the jello from the cafeteria. She thought it was fun, kind of like my son does. Because we're lucky ... neither she nor my son (nor I) have ever been as sick as some of the other young patients that the hospital treats.

So I learned I'm not alone. And unlike the woman next to me also waiting for her mammo, I didn't have to stay for a sonogram after.

Perhaps focusing on today, being in the moment, living wholeheartedly there, in the moment today, resulted in me now reflecting on my blessings.

Rambling that things are probably OK

I think the long weekend did me some good. It probably seems like it obviously would, but I can't really explain HOW.

One of the nicest parts was that we had absolutely nothing on the schedule. However I didn't want to do "absolutely nothing" because I wanted to take advantage of the gift of time.

Saturday morning, I ping'd one of the boy's pal's family to see if he could join us to see the movie "Epic." So yes, I took an additional child with me, which was fun. I was out-numbered, but they were a breeze, well-behaved, and we all enjoyed the movie. The boy's getting to that age where everything's more fun if he can bring a friend. And quite honestly, having two is easier than one (two that aren't related, lol).

I'm really tired of stressing, and there have been so many things going on right now ... so many moving parts, out of my control.

I mean, in case you haven't caught everything: the boy's arthritis may have moved to another joint, which is obviously concerning; my boss left to pursue another opportunity (a boss I really loved, who hired me, and whom I felt safe under); the BD is in town, and I'm going through this legal crap ... and today I'm seeing the doctor about some lymph nodes under my arms that have been swollen off and on for months. I saw this doc in October, and he seemed to think it is just hormonal. But I recall telling my mother about the swelling, and at the time, my glands were about the size of a pea. I asked her to feel one because it wasn't visible.

Monday, I had my arms stretched over my head, as we sat on my back patio, and she said, from across the table, "You have a huge knot under your arm." Well, I have an identical one under the other arm. They're about the size of a ping-pong ball.

So as if I didn't have enough to worry about ...

But hey, I phoned the doctor yesterday and am seeing him today, so, I'm taking care of it.

I woke up in a good mood today ... maybe because it's my mentor's birthday, and we swapped text messages ... maybe because I had an amazing yoga class last night (73 of us in one room) ... maybe because I saw my freshly cut grass that T mowed yesterday, which I couldn't see until this morning because it was dark when I arrived home.

Or maybe because I spoke with my son's father yesterday and informed him that we have a trip booked for Florida, and I wanted to make sure he didn't have any intention of attempting to interfere with it. We booked it months ago, and my son is looking forward to it, and I've been afraid to tell his father because, since we're in "legal process," the law says I need his written consent to take my son out of the state.

I know, it's ridiculous. The man hasn't been back 90 days, and he lived out of state for  five years, but I have to get his OK to take the boy on our annual trip to Florida.

My attorney pretty much said, "Screw it. Don't ask, and just go." But she would never put that in writing.

So anyway, in good faith, I phoned him yesterday and informed him of our plans. He said he would not contest it and sent an OK in writing (email).

Huge sigh of relief, as my mother and I have really been concerned that, despite the fact that I already purchased our airfare, he might try to shut the trip down. But he didn't. So yeah, I'm very appreciative of that.

So maybe I'm in a good mood because I know that in two weeks, we'll be on the beach, and I'm actually going to get a vacation. A break. An escape.

I can't wait.

Another week

Well, the work week is almost over, and I haven't posted since Monday ... mostly because not much has changed.

I tend to fixate on the current legal process we're going through ... trying not to phone the attorney too frequently, as it costs money, but this waiting game is very difficult. Not to mention that my son's father continues to request access. At the advice of my attorney (as well as friends and family), I have stopped responding, as I know he's collecting "no"s from me, with the claim that I'm denying him access.  In part, I am, because as I've continually stated, I want the court to decide on appropriate access.

I'm glad he has some sobriety again, but I can't trust it will last. But what can you trust in this world anyway? There are simply no guarantees.

As I collected items donated to the victims of recent tornadoes, I thought about how I really try to engage in philanthropic activities. It makes me feel good. But why can't I have sympathy for my son's father, if addiction is really a disease?

I think a lot of it is his attitude and approach, his sense of entitlement, him thinking he can show up after being out of state five years and just jump right into my son's life as if his actions over the last decade simply no longer exist.

It's easier to be kinder to a stranger than to someone who has been a very costly liability for so long.

That's really all I have.

I'm looking forward to summer, to my son's sports camp and school being out ... there are things to look forward to, no doubt. I'm trying to focus on those things, but it's difficult right now.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to the long Memorial Day weekend ... and hoping I don't hear from BD too much at the same time.

Hope everyone has a nice holiday and takes a moment to observe the purpose of the holiday -- to honor our veterans and military. Another thing for which to be grateful.

My mind on my pennies, pennies on my mind

Pennies.  Pennies are on my mind, and it's TB's fault ... or rather his credit.

He asked me ... If each day you were given 100 pennies, and you placed one in a pile for every good thing that happened, and one in a pile for every bad thing that happened? Well, don't you think you'd likely end up with more pennies in the good pile at the end of the day?

I was thinking about it when I started to get pissy about a few kinks in my afternoon ... and so I began mentally thinking of the "good" pennies I was blessed with earlier in the day ... like the one I got for secretly tickling my boy's left foot (in a photo I posted on another site), and the one I got for making him laugh ... or the one for being able to take him to the doc myself in the first place (with my mother accompanying us, as she always has for the past four years we've been getting him treatment).

There's also the one for his knee being awesomely healthy ... and of course for no bloodwork today, no medications. And it made me feel a whole lot better about the penny or two I had to put in the "bad" pile. I may have been a little less focused because, well, I just got finished hanging out with that kid who sneezed popcorn all over his shirt sleeve as we were leaving downtown ... and I may have had to fix a thing or two ... I may have typo'd, but caught it, fixed it. Add another penny in the good pile then.

Perspective is a gift, indeed.  Thank you, TB.

PS:  You KNOW you wish I had typo'd the title of this note.