What I learned in therapy today

You know what I learned in therapy today? That I'm a bitch. No for real. Probably not all the time, probably not at the right times, but oh yes, at the core, when the filters are off (wait, are they ever on?), I'm a bitch.

I'm ok with that. I've kind of been embracing my inner bitch lately. It's just been necessary. I'm tired of getting pushed around.

The frozen, pre-made PB&J

It's 30 degrees. I'm wondering if the uncrustables sandwiches I have in the insulated bag in my car will actually thaw by the time I pick up my son (promptly after work in order to get him to basketball practice on time across town).

Is it bad that these will serve as his in-transit dinner? Ten years ago, I could have never understood the frozen, pre-made PB&J. Single, working moms do what we gotta do.

**Next Tuesday? I might just heat up some Madras Lentils before I pick him up!

Passionate or "Spirited"

To say I'm a bit passionate about Ryder's sports would be a dramatic understatement. In fact, I'm *that* mom. And not everyone likes it, but it is who I am.

We had another basketball win today -- 18/6. Ryder isn't sure if he wants to repeat basketball; this is his first season playing, and he says he's not good. Which is ridiculous because he scored four points today. But he is hard on himself and only counts "points." The kid is so competitive, and I know where he gets it, and I understand him completely.

If he would also count the blocks he makes? Mostly because of his height (I think only one kid is taller than him on his team), and if he could see it from the bleachers and see what I see, he would know he IS good. But he just counts "points."

Anyway, it was a great game. This is the first time this group of boys have played basketball together, and they are undefeated. They're originally a rec soccer team and have been for about five years, but when they take on anything together (baseball, etc.), they just shine. It speaks volumes about these boys, their bond, the families who are extended family to us, and especially their coach. We are so blessed to have Coach J and the fathers who assist him (P and G). Every activity we participate in with these folks is such a feel-good experience.

And then we have soccer, which my son plays year-round -- in particular, I'm referring to academy soccer. We had an indoor game today, and while we were waiting for kick-off (is that the right term for the start of a futbal match?), I looked at our opponents, turned to my mother and said, "They might kill us." This is, again, before the match even began.

They were bigger and they were aggressive. Ryder played keeper the first half, and at half-time, it was nil/nil. I overheard one of R's mate's mother say about him, "He's the reason we're still even in this game." I was touched; it made my heart so happy. She was absolutely right because he stopped at least a half a dozen goals.

He played striker the second half, but he's with a mostly new group of boys, and they just weren't playing well as a team. A striker can't strike if mid-field doesn't deliver the ball. He tried so hard, and though the team wasn't collaborating well, several players were performing excellently. It's like they just couldn't "gel." I mean, strikers shouldn't be running the entire damn field to play defense, as well, but at one point in the game, that's exactly what he had to do.

Our coach was absent today, so a kind father filled in, but on the sidelines, I was *loud* (yes, me - no surprise). I was trying to coach from the sidelines (a no-no; I know). And I even made some grandmother of one of our mates angry. Sorry. This ain't golf, lady.

Our opponents scored two goals on us in the second half to win the match. With two minutes remaining in the game, one kid pushed Ryder, and he hit his bad knee (his arthritic knee) very hard on the wall. He cried, and that kid don't cry unless he's truly injured.

I couldn't stop myself from going to him when they pulled him off field. And I was so happy when he looked pleased to see me. Not only was his knee hurt, so were his feelings because the other team was so aggressive. And yes, like me, he was frustrated with his team not communicating.

I know they're nine and that this is supposed to be fun, but I left feeling so very angry, but also very proud of how well my boy did. And I know I'm biased, but -- we were missing three of our best players today, and we could have actually taken our opponents down, but that didn't happen.

It is what it is, I know. And though we lost, I think they'll get there. R is certainly learning the lesson about not always winning, and I know that's a good lesson, too.

What can I say? Sorry I'm loud. I have passion, and I believe my son can truly achieve anything. So forget the "sorry," blame it on the fact that I'm "spirited."

Maybe ...

... maybe I'm ready to face 2014.

I've sort of been in denial that it's a new year. I've not really wanted to look 2014 straight in the eye.

Maybe I'm ready to take a peek.

My previous best friend, who is no longer my best friend because he has a new best friend (he calls her a fiancé)? Well he still knows all about what I've been through; he witnessed much of it.

He says 2014? "It will be a kinder year."

And I can't tell you how much I want to believe him with all of my heart.

Lentils

There are several indicators that I'm getting old ... one being people are dying and the other being that I get excited about new products at Costco. One of these topics is easier to write about than the other.

Yesterday was sample day at Costco, maybe every Saturday is, I don't know because my trips are always random. Like, "Hey mom, we should do something or go somewhere because it's nice out." And she asks, "Do you want to walk to the park?" And I say, "No, let's go to Costco," and she's all like, "Ok, yes!"

I don't know about you but sometimes, if I sample a product, I feel totally obligated to purchase it. I feel bad for the lady baking the pizza bites, talking to the lady pouring shots of Kirkland brand organic orange juice. "Don't pour too many, we don't have much longer. It's almost 3:30." After she says that, I no longer feel guilty and I have pizza and orange juice, then purchase the opposite brand of pizza she's pushing (it was cheaper).

But I have to say that if it wasn't for sample day, I would have totally missed out on Tasty Bite Madras Lentils. And if I missed those Madras Lentils, this post would not exist. (Why isn't someone paying me to push these products?)

Anyway, you make these things in one minute in the microwave. It's faster than raman. It's genius really. And at Costco a box of six pouches is only $10. I have already consumed one of said pounches. I had less than two minutes to make lunch, clearly.

Anyway, I guess there's an upside to sample day, beyond basically having brunch at Costco, because ... oh the discovery of those lentils!

THIS post from The Bloggess

"If you’re sad or lonely or feeling like you’re one of the misfit toys, know that you are part of us.  And remember that those misfit toys always were always far more interesting than the normal ones."

Superficial distraction

I like shoes about as much as the average female. Not more, not less. Yet I can't stop obsessing over these flats, and I'm seriously considering ordering a pair in every single color. Or maybe I should start by ordering just one pair? I'm thinking nude. I wear a size seven, in case you want to donate a color to my recently cleaned closet.

I happened to notice that this is my 100th post on this silly page. And I thought shoes might be a nice distraction for myself, and for my friend who is a mega "shoe lover," who lost her beloved dog today.

Let's all subscribe to a bit of retail therapy, shall we?

Girl with the dirty hair

Longest I've gone between hair washes? Not that I'm proud but ... washed on a Monday and not again until the following Wednesday. Eight full days of dirty-hair.

Don't judge ... or do; I don't care. I'm just disappointed I don't have dreadlocks.

I *really* can't make this shit up, people

OK, so ... pretty much as expected, my son's father is once again *unemployed,* and apparently the cousins he's been living with? Well, after five months, they've tired of his residing with them (naturally). So he had to start looking for a place to live.

And guess what? My father's wife, the one I can't stand? The one I've not spoken with or seen since the beginning of November because of a blow-out about her siding with the damn enemy?  Well, she's having him move in with her elderly mother. No shit.

OK, the woman has Alzheimer's and needs constant care, but my son's father is not qualified to care for the elderly.

I can't and probably don't even need to tell you how fucked up this situation is. I've cut these people out of my life, and they just form a union and work together against me. And once again, someone else is helping my son's father "manage life". He can't take care of himself, he can't keep a roof over his head and food in his mouth or stay on top of his child support. So how in the hell is he going to really take care of this elderly woman?

You know what? He's not. My father's wife will still come over daily and do all of the work. It's just her excuse to provide this man with a place to live here locally so that, at 41 years old, he won't (yet) have to go back to Ohio to live with his own elderly parents.

This? Is all kinds of fucked up and wrong in so many ways.

How do I love thee (or know you're my boo)?

Um, he renewed our CostCo vows.

That's actually a pretty huge deal, especially considering what an ass I was over holiday. Also? He appreciates that I loved the film, The Wolf of Wall Street, which has been deemed *not* a date movie and is not sitting well with most suburban mothers. And it's probably not a date movie, especially if you're not completely honest with your mate. At the same time, I'm certainly glad I didn't see it with either of my 'rents.

Grateful, in January.

Setting my alarm for the first time in longer than I care to admit

In an attempt to avoid end-of-holiday anxiety, we hit the movie theater to see The Wolf of Wall Street at 7 p.m. It's a three-hour movie (I loved it), but I'm home now, and it's time to get some sleep so that I can be up before 7 a.m. tomorrow and get to the office. So I can get back to the "routine": Work (though I'm grateful for it), a.m. school drop-offs, after-school program pick-ups, sports practices, all of it ...

I'm usually very  ready to cross the finish line into a new year, but there are so many things I want/need/have to tackle, that I just don't want to deal with. I'm not ready, for the first time in a very long time. I'm not ready, but the new year is here. Resolutions? Don't get me started ...

It was a crazy holiday, filled with drama and illness ... but I admit I'm intimidated by the new year this year. I no longer have the mantra to "make it my bitch." I would really just like some harmony; I'd like to get along better in 2014.

Wishing you all a great new year, and wishing myself the strength to tackle it, and maybe even give it a hug.

Hurting others ...

It really sucks to know you hurt another person so bad. Especially a person who has shown undying loyalty under extremely rough circumstances.

I have to forgive myself for that, and not repeat it in the future.

And just when I think I have everything under control ...

... just when I think that? I surprise myself and everyone around me and go a little bat-shit crazy destructive.

I decided to end my "CostCo marriage" with the man in my life, as our card expired on NYE anyway (our "CostCo marriage" was a little joke of ours). Several things had been building up in my head, I was feeling insecure, I was scared of being left and abandoned, so what did I do? I took charge of things, of course. I felt like my man was pulling away from me, though it was his busiest work week, and he -- like me -- he has had the flu ... but I couldn't see his perspective and didn't ask for it. I was being SELFISH. I was scared. And so I tried to piss him off and run him off, and you know what? If one tries hard enough, one can run just about anyone off. I succeeded. Then I proceeded to call my mother and cry for hours on the telephone. That my was how I spent the last evening of the 2013 year.

This man and I originally had dinner plans with another couple on NYE, as mentioned in my prior post, but we couldn't predict we'd both end up very ill with the flu. And even though we couldn't and shouldn't and didn't go "out," no one wants to be around anyone else when tossing and turning all night, with a hacking cough. He didn't want to, and I get that now. I see that now. I didn't see it last night. I wanted him to come over. My son has been gone since Saturday, and I wanted my boo to come over. He was hesitant (b/c ill), and I got hurt and mad, and I lashed out and said, "Fuck it. Let's break up." Makes absolute sense right? Of course not.

He was shocked, hurt ("bruised," as he said), and came and got his belongings from my house, which I had placed in the driveway because I was? Being an ASSHOLE.

Also, having gotten sick of taking ibuprofen, mucinex, and my regular anti-Ds ... so sick of pills ... I decided to stop taking absolutely everything about three days prior. (In addition, I was PMS'ing when I got the flu and am on my "cycle" now. Sucks.) My man did the same -- stopped medication, so apparently I'm not unique in that I get sick of taking fucking pills. Only he doesn't take anti-Ds, so he can remain sane while medicinally free. Me on the other hand? Not so much. This is not my first failed attempt at cold-turkey stopping my anti-Ds.

Upon reflection now, I realize that if I truly desire to stop my anti-Ds that I should talk to my doctor about the proper way to wean off of them. Cold turkey clearly doesn't work for me anymore, and I leave a bunch of unknowing, innocent bystanders as victims in the way. It *also* sucks.

I regret treating the one person who stood by my side, during the rough ride of 2013, like a total asshole. He didn't deserve it. And I can't repair the damage I caused to a 15+ year friendship. However he did take my call this evening, and we talked for an hour. I wasn't attempting to get "back together." I just wanted him to know that I am sorry about my inappropriate behavior and the way I treated him. He accepted my apology, and maybe, just maybe, one day he will forgive me. Or maybe he won't, and perhaps I will learn a very important lesson about how to treat people who really, truly love me. A hard lesson  -- for me -- to learn.

I need to STOP pushing away people who CARE.

I can only hope that 2014 is a better year for myself and my loved ones. But hoping won't be enough. It's time for me to make some significant personal changes, which I will likely have to conquer on my own.

And finally, I don't know what I'd do without my mother. I can't even imagine it ... the unconditional love she provides to me is one of the few anchors I have. She's one of the only people I trust, perhaps the one only entirely. I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. And I hope my own child feels the same about me one day, when he is grown.

Life is hard. I hope it gets better in the new year.