... just when I think that? I surprise myself and everyone around me and go a little bat-shit crazy destructive.
I decided to end my "CostCo marriage" with the man in my life, as our card expired on NYE anyway (our "CostCo marriage" was a little joke of ours). Several things had been building up in my head, I was feeling insecure, I was scared of being left and abandoned, so what did I do? I took charge of things, of course. I felt like my man was pulling away from me, though it was his busiest work week, and he -- like me -- he has had the flu ... but I couldn't see his perspective and didn't ask for it. I was being SELFISH. I was scared. And so I tried to piss him off and run him off, and you know what? If one tries hard enough, one can run just about anyone off. I succeeded. Then I proceeded to call my mother and cry for hours on the telephone. That my was how I spent the last evening of the 2013 year.
This man and I originally had dinner plans with another couple on NYE, as mentioned in my prior post, but we couldn't predict we'd both end up very ill with the flu. And even though we couldn't and shouldn't and didn't go "out," no one wants to be around anyone else when tossing and turning all night, with a hacking cough. He didn't want to, and I get that now. I see that now. I didn't see it last night. I wanted him to come over. My son has been gone since Saturday, and I wanted my boo to come over. He was hesitant (b/c ill), and I got hurt and mad, and I lashed out and said, "Fuck it. Let's break up." Makes absolute sense right? Of course not.
He was shocked, hurt ("bruised," as he said), and came and got his belongings from my house, which I had placed in the driveway because I was? Being an ASSHOLE.
Also, having gotten sick of taking ibuprofen, mucinex, and my regular anti-Ds ... so sick of pills ... I decided to stop taking absolutely everything about three days prior. (In addition, I was PMS'ing when I got the flu and am on my "cycle" now. Sucks.) My man did the same -- stopped medication, so apparently I'm not unique in that I get sick of taking fucking pills. Only he doesn't take anti-Ds, so he can remain sane while medicinally free. Me on the other hand? Not so much. This is not my first failed attempt at cold-turkey stopping my anti-Ds.
Upon reflection now, I realize that if I truly desire to stop my anti-Ds that I should talk to my doctor about the proper way to wean off of them. Cold turkey clearly doesn't work for me anymore, and I leave a bunch of unknowing, innocent bystanders as victims in the way. It *also* sucks.
I regret treating the one person who stood by my side, during the rough ride of 2013, like a total asshole. He didn't deserve it. And I can't repair the damage I caused to a 15+ year friendship. However he did take my call this evening, and we talked for an hour. I wasn't attempting to get "back together." I just wanted him to know that I am sorry about my inappropriate behavior and the way I treated him. He accepted my apology, and maybe, just maybe, one day he will forgive me. Or maybe he won't, and perhaps I will learn a very important lesson about how to treat people who really, truly love me. A hard lesson -- for me -- to learn.
I need to STOP pushing away people who CARE.
I can only hope that 2014 is a better year for myself and my loved ones. But hoping won't be enough. It's time for me to make some significant personal changes, which I will likely have to conquer on my own.
And finally, I don't know what I'd do without my mother. I can't even imagine it ... the unconditional love she provides to me is one of the few anchors I have. She's one of the only people I trust, perhaps the one only entirely. I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. And I hope my own child feels the same about me one day, when he is grown.
Life is hard. I hope it gets better in the new year.
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