It's strange. Me and a couple of gal pals have had this text-thread-thing going awhile. We're all single ('cept I'm now not, but not married either), and I think we like knowing we're there for each other. At the same time, I haven't mentioned this website to them.
But when I have good news, like I finally finished my taxes for 2012 (or rather, my CPA did) and I'm getting a refund? I will text them. Usually someone will respond. On one extremely crucial date recently, someone did respond and pretty much ... well, let's say I can never repay her for her support.
In case I've not mentioned, I'm kind of going through a rough time. I feel like I've been "going through a rough time" since 2003. I messaged a friend today that I think the most stress-free years of my life were 1998 - 2003. I was finished with college. I had a job and could make ends meet, and I was all "focused on my career," and everything was going as planned, but not much was changing. I remember being bored. I got a dog. And I remember being lonely sometimes, but I don't remember being as stressed, as full of anxiety as I am.
No one likes to read about this stuff. Even on Facebook ... It's surprising, but people don't want to look. The people who care don't want to anyway, because it hurts them to read how much you're hurting. So I came here, but a few of you I know (who don't live anywhere near me) are here, but I know you don't really want to hear the bad stuff either. There's enough bad stuff out there. I'd rather read e-cards all day long than read the news media and be reminded how crazy this world is.
And you know what else stresses me out? Is that I want to control it. I want to know the end of the story, because I want to know that it all works out fine in the end. I want to know that everything is going to be OK, and we're all gonna be happy. But no one can tell me that for sure.
It's a new month, and I even though my job is crazy (and I love it), and even though my son's schedule is CRAZY, and even though I have a case with the Office of the Attorney General that is "in the legal process" (pause ... ya'll, this is what's driving me mad ... how is *this* MY life? A case with the OAG?), even though all this shit is going down for real ya'll? I gotta make some changes. Seriously, I thought I needed fewer changes? But I'm second-guessing now ... I've been in a rut for too long ... I need MORE changes.
I either need to focus more at work, ok, shit, I definitely need to do that because I can see some opportunities ... but I am also going to have to go back to yoga, which I've abandoned for more than two months. I last practiced in February, so I'm pretty sure it's actually almost three months.
And I'm dreading looking at myself in the mirror. Do you know that scares me more than I can even explain? I spent 17,610 minutes sweating in that studio last year. If I can operate a calculator, that's 298 hours, and I'm not even sure how much healing that equals, but I know it kept me sane when I was laid off. And if it could do that? Then maybe I really should get back to it, especially since the ex moved to town.
I'm also dreading putting on my cute lil yoga outfits and missing the definition of my muscles that haven't had a good workout in quite some time. And I have my third annual local run against cancer coming up in a few weekends, and yoga will help me prepare for that since I never train in advance anyway.
OK, I think I'm really out of excuses. I am. But I'm terrified. "No one ever died in the yoga room," they say. I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of exposing the wound, but that's where the light will enter, and it needs to be healed.
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