Thursday, August 29, 2013

Everything is wonderful



This song's been taking up real estate in my head for a while. On-again and off-again and on-again ...

"Promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big ..."

Because I don't reflect enough ...

So I was thinking about bestie's statement that I "what if" myself "into scenarios that are amazingly unlikely," and the truth is? I've had too many "amazingly unlikely" scenarios actually come to fruition.

So there.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Let's talk about me: An exercise in total random posting

The subject line is a warning. Maybe you can follow ...

So it's Wednesday, "Hump Day," of the first week of back-to-school, and I am exhausted.

Not only is work super busy, I somehow managed to register late for my son's after-school program, which requires 48-hours after registration to pass in order for him to resume attendance, so I had to ask my mom to pick him up yesterday, which is not her day to pick up from school. But being the good Nan she is, she covered for me.

If work wasn't so busy, I figured I'd just pick him up myself and then work from home ... but I had meetings ... so yeah.

And in addition to "Meet the Teacher" Friday, we had third-grade parent orientation last night ... which I hadn't entirely planned for either.

And the soccer season is in full effect with practices, which didn't seem so difficult to manage before the school year started.

And then there's our foster dog, Posey, who has a meet and greet this Saturday with a potential adoptive family who lives about an hour away.

We'll adjust; I'll adjust ... I just didn't expect this first week to throw me for such a loop. I didn't expect to be so exhausted three days in.

And on top of it all, the approaching court date is constantly in the back of mind, which isn't helping me focus on things that require a bit more focus ... like LIFE, for example.

I've been going to yoga like crazy, as often as I can; I've been trying to ignore the court situation until it gets a little closer. I've been trying to be all "business as usual." I guess it's just one of those unexpected obstacles that life throws everyone now and again. But really, life? I could use a reprieve.

With summer break over, I took some time to reflect and to give myself a bit of a mid-year evaluation. I've learned that even though I'm in my mid (um, late) 30s, I'm still learning about myself ... who I am. Why haven't I figured that one out yet?

Text-swapping with a friend today, I wrote a bit about what I've learned about myself so far this year:

"Mostly, I am partially self-diagnosing myself as having GAD (confirmed via physician), extreme low-self esteem, and just some 'issues' in general [I doubt I differ from many on the latter]. I'm a perfectionist and all-or-nothing in just about every area of life.

I struggle to cope with life stressors ... [and realize] I am likely addicted to Diet Coke and cigarettes, though nothing else ...

I am also a borderline hypochondriac and can convince myself LOTS of things are wrong with me ... Am I socially awkward? Yes, at times ... and that's just me. And I likely have some sort of mood disorder (or it's just that I am female). This is what I learned this summer ...

This thread is a blog. Almost. But it's [almost] too honest."

His response(s):

"I like that your willpower is still stronger than the stress in your life; I agree that's kind of a significant fact. As I've always said - your patterns are coping mechanisms, and most of them emerged at random. Yoga is purposeful and healthy. More like that could replace the unhealthy ones."

"It's important for you to put these thoughts in print, even just to me. Print makes things real for you. Seeing outside of your head."

"As for hypo, you are generally anxious - you 'what if' yourself into scenarios that are amazingly unlikely. Then you think about what you should do - even though none of that shit is ever gonna happen. Busy head. But special nonetheless."

And then we moved on to current events like Syria ... and (unfortunately) Miley Cyrus.

Regarding Cyrus, I wrote:

"I've not even seen the Miley Cyrus performance the media is freaking over." [I've unintentionally heard more about her VMA performance than I have about foreign relations (maybe I follow the WRONG media?).]

And although I couldn't care less, really, about this gal's public displays, and I don't like to say negative things about people -- particularly those whom I don't even know -- well my bestie, he texted a three-sentence statement that is the funniest thing I've read about former Hannah Montana. He wrote:

"Mullets breed true."

So busy head and all, at the end of the day, I realize I have a best friend with whom I can share my introspective thoughts and can count on to remind me of my good qualities, and who -- equally as important -- usually succeeds at making me laugh.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Back to school

OK, so "HI MONDAY!" You're the Monday before my son starts third grade. And if I didn't feel any panic about school starting last night, while JC Penney was advertising that what my child wears is the most important decision of all time, I am feeling panic today.

OK, so I'm lucky that my mother is taking him shopping this week and that they've already purchased cool shoes, trainer shoes, some shorts, some shirts and a new backpack. I should be at EASE. Even if I'm burning through money.

But then I got the text ... "Have you checked teacher assignments?" Um, crap, what? "Go to the parent portal and update your forms, and then you can view teacher assignments."  Yes, OK, thank you my dear friend who texted me ... but oh crap, I haven't updated forms? I haven't submitted my volunteer application ... and the first work email I read this morning had the subject line:  "FOR ACTION SATURDAY."

Saturday? I didn't check work email on Saturday. But that's work stuff. And I'm not panicking about work because I completed my Saturday assignment this morning, and now I'm taking my lunch hour to panic about school starting in one week.

I completed my forms; I know his teacher assignment now. She's new to the school; I dislike that. BUT his very best friend is IN his class this year, and so he's happy. And he likes his new clothes, and he's happy about those.

Does this mean I can go meditate for a quick 15 minutes and can chill the eff out now? I think so, yes.

Sheesh.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Better

"If you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it."
Regina Spektor

Dr. Wednesday, JD

Despite pretty much sucking at self-diagnosis, I'm still almost certain that I have this. It explains a lot. A lot more than the stupid CT Scan did back in May. I should so be a doctor.

Also, in case you were wondering ... yes, we were on the docket for court Friday. And yes, the judge granted our Motion for Continuance, which is what we wanted.

Seems kind of unfair to have to go to the courthouse while PMS'ing and clearly suffering from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), but such is life. I was there. I was at the courthouse. My child's father was not, though his attorney was there to argue with mine. Motion was approved. One more court date next month. Just one more, I hope.

On a positive ... at least this week didn't start with me banging my head into the door, as I did last week, and really, I was too preoccupied to even bitch about Monday. Wednesday arrived in the blink of an eye.

Hi Wednesday.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Wonder why they call ya ...

Since I've been such a whiny bitch, I thought I ought to point out two nice things that happened today.

1) I had a really nice, not creepy, waiter at lunch. He messed up my salad order, which wasn't a big deal; he comp'ed my salad for me. He didn't have to do that. He also gave me a go-cup for my tea.

2) My son was invited to the birthday party of one of his select soccer teammates.

That is all.

Punch the blahs

Blah, blah, blah Tuesday. I have a case of the blahs today, but I've yet to spit any venom at anyone, so at least that's good.

I'm secretly thinking about how I can squeeze in a yoga session somewhere.

And my moods are all over the map. Yesterday I was spitting mad, today I have no energy. I know I go to court Friday. And my son, who has been growing his "soccer hair" for about a year now has decided he wants a hair cut, and he wants it short.

I know he's going through "stuff," just as I am, with the changes that have taken place since his father decided to move back to town ... and I just feel for him. I'll attack anyone who even comes close to hurting his feelings (did some kid say something about his hair? how many play dates was he *not* invited to and who do I need to punch in the face?).

Speaking of punching ... I'm considering giving boxing a try. Perhaps kickboxing, perhaps regular boxing, but I think punching something -- like a punching bag -- could be healthy for me right now.

Work is crazy because of some major changes taking place with the company, and I just don't feel secure in any area of my life at all.

I may take a short trip down to Florida later this month ... I've been planting the seeds for that, so we'll see if anything sprouts.

In the meantime, I'm just hanging in there/here/whatever.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Not to stereotype Mondays ...

So my Monday started with me whacking myself in the brow bone with the dang door to let the dogs outside ... I should have known it was a sign.

On my morning conference call at work, after I said "good morning," my officemate states (while I've muted the speakerphone) that I sound really "dry."  Dry?  "Yeah, like you're not having a good Monday."

I spoke with my attorney after my call; our court date is set to take place in 10 days, and I learned that she's going to make a "motion for continuance" in order to move our court date ... the reason is because we have a third-party forensic psychologist with whom both the boy and I both met, and we want her to testify. But she's out of town the date of our trial ... so a motion for continuance it is ... and that court date (to make the motion) is THIS Friday. And then who knows what will happen, if the judge will allow us to move it, and if so, how long until we get to this *final* (?) friggin court date?

The motion for continuance makes sense; I get that. But the notion of prolonging things didn't help my mood at all.

So, mostly out of frustration, I ended up spitting venom at an innocent bystander (ex-friend?), and have likely complicated a personal social situation. Go ME!

I never made time for lunch today, so I grabbed a few cookies mid-afternoon, knowing good and well that I was to practice yoga this evening, and knowing I really *needed* to go.

At 4:15 p.m., my boss asks if I can sit in on a conference call for her ... scheduled from 5 p.m. - 6 p.m. ... yoga starts at 6:30 p.m. So I took the call remotely, and I was able to make it to yoga ... and I had a horrible class ("there is no such thing as a horrible class; the only horrible class is the one you didn't attend ..." to quote somebody somewhere).

And let me just go ahead and say that fueling oneself with only cookies and Diet Coke does not good Bikram preparation make.

I sort of felt better after class ... this yoga is supposed to benefit not only me, but everyone with whom I come in contact. Maybe those I come in contact with tomorrow will notice a difference. Or maybe not.

Eff it, I'm going to bed.