Sunday, October 12, 2014

October

I'm pretty sure I mostly come here to complain ... Facebook no longer feels like a safe place to do it. I do my fair share of complaining via Twitter, but how much complaining can one do with such a limited number of characters? So here it is. And that's cool because not many folks are reading anyway, so it feels pretty safe.

I'm not sure when I began disliking the month of October. If it makes October feel any better, I'm only fond of about three months of the year anyway ... June, July and August. And since the return of my son's father, with his new possession rights including 30 days in the summer, those months are in jeopardy, as well.

I recall a time when I welcomed October because that meant the beginning of the final quarter of whatever shitty year it was. Yes, my outlook has been in the toilet for decades. Sure, my perspective of the toilet has changed, but it seems I've always been looking at a toilet.

October is my son's favorite month of the year. Fall is his favorite season. This is his birth month, and Halloween is his favorite holiday. So if anything at all gives me pleasure in October, it's his delight and excitement this time of year.

I find I'm envious of parents planning Halloween night with their children, as my son will be with his father the second Halloween in a row (it fell on Thursday last year and kick-starts the FIFTH weekend of this month, and I'm certain I've mentioned my hatred of months that actually have a fifth weekend because ... first, third and fifth weekends are no longer mine to spend with my child).

I should find some comfort in knowing my son is enjoying his father's return, his being able to spend time with him and to get to know the man who was absent for so many years ... but I am selfish. I admit it. I'm working on it.

It's been a little more than a year since the court ruling that turned my world upside down. I wish I could say I'm getting used to it, but I'm not sure I'll ever actually get used to it. Some days I try, and somedays I fight; and the fight can be exhausting.

I try to be in the moment as much as I can when I am with my son, but sometimes I can't help but count the hours I have remaining with him before he departs again. It's hard. So again, I'm working on it.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Final Spinal

Yoga instructor saw my "final spinal" at the end of class and asked if I can do full spine twist in advanced. Said "I dunno."

So studio owner told me how, in front of everyone, and I ended up trying and demo'ing. Again, in front of everyone. Also ended up with leg over head, attempting to stand, in front of everyone, as instructed by studio owner. The look in her eyes, as she instructed me on what to do ... And I corrected my "I can't" to "I haven't learned that yet," and her eyes told me she believed I can ... So I did. To a round of applause.