2013/2014 ... I might actually be OK

So another first ... though I had my son this Christmas (with it being an "odd numbered year" and all), he left today to spend the remainder of his school holiday with his father. He will be gone nine nights, which is the longest I've ever been without him in a decade basically. (I know, I should be living it up and enjoying it, right? But not possible.)

I seem to be coping with this holiday better than I did the Thanksgiving holiday, which is a good thing. I'm trying very hard to accept this ruling and to avoid being SELFISH, though it's difficult. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm certain my son needs to spend time with his father, no matter how much his departures break my heart. Is it possible to be too attached to one's child? I'm not looking for a response from any men ... I truly believe men simply cannot understand how very connected a mother and child are.

I remember when I learned I was pregnant, and oh how I cried. I bawled. I called my own mother ... I was terrified because being a mother is a HUGE responsibility. I stopped all of my medications immediately upon learning I was pregnant. I breastfed for four months after his birth, and I was very careful about what I put in my body -- FOR HIM, not for me. When it comes to me, I'm usually reckless. His conception changed everything for me.

And I've spent the last nine years trying to be the best mother I can, given where I'm at. No one is perfect, and I definitely am not.

A friend told me, "Parenting, at it's best, is heartbreaking." And I believe that to be so true. It might have something to do with why I've never wanted or had another child. It's so hard to love another person so much, especially for someone like me who is difficult to really get to know and understand. Perhaps everyone's that way; perhaps I'm not so "unique."

Anyway, I think I'll be OK while he's gone. I'm going to work on Monday; I have NYE plans with my boo and with another mother friend I adore and haven't seen in quite some time.

I've also managed to clean out all of my drawers and my master bedroom closet, and the charity is coming Monday to pick up a giant bag I filled with clothes to be donated.

This year has been difficult, but again, perhaps necessary? I'm looking forward to 2014. And I think I might actually be OK.

Remind me ...

... to tell you about driving T's LandCruiser 104+ miles roundtrip to deliver a dog to grant a Christmas wish* ... to tell you about my mother, who has had a virus or cold for days but who, nevertheless, managed to place a feast on our table to celebrate Christmas dinner.

Remind me to tell you about enjoying watching "Christmas Vacation" (1989) with my son for the first time ever this Christmas Eve. Remind me about how he tried to get away with saying "The Pledge of Allegiance" in place of saying grace at dinner, as the elderly aunt did in that very movie.

Remind me to be thankful for those who were with me both physically, and in my heart, this Christmas 2013.

And one day, remind me that at 38 years old, I am still very young.

*Thought I'd clarify that I drove the LandCruiser (another "first time ever") all by myself. It's significantly larger than my old Land Rover; it's a much larger and more intimidating machine than I'm used to, so I have to admit, I was a bit proud of myself for successfully maneuvering it across multiple counties and back.

The dog days of winter

So I saw my counselor twice this week, and that helps. But so does "normalcy," which arrived at my home in the form of a nine-year-old. I know I need to figure out a new norm for when he's away, I know. And I will, I'm just still "adjusting."

I'm trying very hard to be and live in the moment, to stop trying to drive while facing the rear-view mirror. I believe I will get there; it will just take time. And the holidays are usually difficult for me anyway, but instead of wishing I was one of those people who think this is "the most wonderful time of the year," I'm just accepting the fact that I struggle during winter. Thankfully winter doesn't last forever.

Ok, I was wrong ... Happiness is ...

... watching "Elf" with my son, who is *home*.

Ice-mageddon weekend

Just as predicted, school has been canceled tomorrow, so my son's father is not taking him to school ... I have the right to get him ... it's complicated, but my father is going to fetch him tomorrow and bring him home while I'm at work. I will be really excited to see him.

As mentioned, this was the first time I didn't have him for two back-to-back weekends. And it followed the Thanksgiving break, which I did not have him for (another first) ... and I thought I'd see him at his sports events Saturday, but then we had the winter ice-in (Ice-mageddon 2013), events canceled, house-bound all weekend until today ... all of that combined can be a bit depressing, you think? Yes.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster, and I just hope this gets better, that the sting lessens, but I just have a hard time seeing that now.

After being sad and defeated, I got angry. I like angry better.

Rap Wednesday

I don't know why, but I've been listening to a lot of rap music lately. I think I must have picked some of it up in FLO-RIDA. Get it? He-he.

My friend C loves her some rap, and we share an office space, but she hasn't been playing it lately. Think I'm going to have to make a request. She sometimes takes what she refers to as "rap-cations," as in she takes a break from listening to it; perhaps she's on one now.

Anyway, I love this dirty, nasty-ass song.

"Hey, look at baby over there.
Wassup, little mama? Come here.
She started talking, but I really couldn't hear
until she started dancing like she do it in the mirror."

B.o.B's Headband

Happiness is ...

... paying off the credit card on which I charged my attorney fees.

Downside? It ate up about half of my available checking funds; I feel poor now. But I hate debt, and I hate interest fees, so I'm trying to look at this as a 12 percent investment ... and now I'll focus on rebuilding some funds in my checking, and I won't have to worry about interest. I'm no longer carrying a balance; that weight has been lifted. Because I chose to make it so.

And I do have the relief of knowing *I* paid my attorney fees myself. I did not receive any financial assistance from my family (unlike the "respondent" asshole I faced in trial). I've faced some big financial obstacles over the past few years -- like getting laid off and being unemployed for basically half of 2012, not easy for anyone, especially a single mother whose baby-daddy is consistently behind on his child support. But I'm making it, and I'm making it on MY OWN. I always fear "next time," and question if I will continue to be able to make it if life throws me any more crazy curves. I pray for some stability, but life just always seems so insane.

Paying off that card, in a way, is me using a phrase that I'm using more and more often lately, and unapologetically, because some people really do need to hear it. It's me continuing to set boundaries. It's me saying, to that trial, to the respondent, to the haters, it's me saying ...

"FUCK YOU!"

Ah, now that feels much better. You should try it, especially if you tend to be a "people pleaser" like myself. Because maybe I'm finally realizing that the only person I need to please is me.

Say what you need to say

Really, that's exactly what I need to do -- say what I need to say -- but the last week flew by in a flash, and I didn't have access to a keyboard last week, and I'm certainly not willing to type a post via mobile.

I survived my first Thanksgiving without my son. I survived his father taking him out of the state, but only because I left the state myself. I had to do so because I couldn't stand the thought of being left behind (my mother was also going on holiday out of state, so I joined her). I survived 22 hours in the car with my mother, and actually enjoyed that part. It helped take my mind off my son, whom I missed terribly.

There's a lot to say, but I like to tell stories and not jump info dump. Info dumping may be the best I can do, but I'm going to try to share some stories soon. We'll see if either happens, because if I procrastinate too long, it results in zero posting. It's just the way I'm wired.