London

I'm flying there in six days. I really want to watch "Love Actually."

There is so much I've not told you.

I am feeling grateful.

October

I'm pretty sure I mostly come here to complain ... Facebook no longer feels like a safe place to do it. I do my fair share of complaining via Twitter, but how much complaining can one do with such a limited number of characters? So here it is. And that's cool because not many folks are reading anyway, so it feels pretty safe.

I'm not sure when I began disliking the month of October. If it makes October feel any better, I'm only fond of about three months of the year anyway ... June, July and August. And since the return of my son's father, with his new possession rights including 30 days in the summer, those months are in jeopardy, as well.

I recall a time when I welcomed October because that meant the beginning of the final quarter of whatever shitty year it was. Yes, my outlook has been in the toilet for decades. Sure, my perspective of the toilet has changed, but it seems I've always been looking at a toilet.

October is my son's favorite month of the year. Fall is his favorite season. This is his birth month, and Halloween is his favorite holiday. So if anything at all gives me pleasure in October, it's his delight and excitement this time of year.

I find I'm envious of parents planning Halloween night with their children, as my son will be with his father the second Halloween in a row (it fell on Thursday last year and kick-starts the FIFTH weekend of this month, and I'm certain I've mentioned my hatred of months that actually have a fifth weekend because ... first, third and fifth weekends are no longer mine to spend with my child).

I should find some comfort in knowing my son is enjoying his father's return, his being able to spend time with him and to get to know the man who was absent for so many years ... but I am selfish. I admit it. I'm working on it.

It's been a little more than a year since the court ruling that turned my world upside down. I wish I could say I'm getting used to it, but I'm not sure I'll ever actually get used to it. Some days I try, and somedays I fight; and the fight can be exhausting.

I try to be in the moment as much as I can when I am with my son, but sometimes I can't help but count the hours I have remaining with him before he departs again. It's hard. So again, I'm working on it.

Final Spinal

Yoga instructor saw my "final spinal" at the end of class and asked if I can do full spine twist in advanced. Said "I dunno."

So studio owner told me how, in front of everyone, and I ended up trying and demo'ing. Again, in front of everyone. Also ended up with leg over head, attempting to stand, in front of everyone, as instructed by studio owner. The look in her eyes, as she instructed me on what to do ... And I corrected my "I can't" to "I haven't learned that yet," and her eyes told me she believed I can ... So I did. To a round of applause.

Blahs return

I am feeling overwhelmed ... likely due to approaching hearing date (boy's father is asking to have his monitoring accessories removed since he has almost completed his year).

I was depressed this weekend, second one in a row without the boy (I had one weekend with him during the entire month of August). I find myself angry at him because his absence hurts me, though I know it is not his fault.

I am overwhelmed at work and not feeling valued.

I hate the end of summer.

OITNB

I'm awfully late to the OITNB game, but out of sheer boredom this weekend, my mom and I began watching the first season. It was that or go see "The Fault in Our Stars," which mom thought was a bit too depressing for my fragile psyche these days.

I'm not sure what to make of the series just yet, though it's certainly entertaining and makes my life seem way less fucked up. Also, it provides some needed perspective into why I should refrain from being forced to wear orange.

A diff kind of high ...

From the JFC wall-walking soundtrack:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SYM-RJwSGQ8

What an indescribable trip. Missing it already and having trouble adjusting!

T minus ... a little more than 24

Jedi Fight Club approaches ... And Michael is on rotation.

I just practiced for what will likely be the last time stateside until I return ... my fourth 5:30 a.m. class this week. I've been practicing daily, and even though I'm super anxious, I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'll have to accept where I am and just be ok with that. I'm there to learn, afterall.

I still can't believe I'm going.