Blahs return

I am feeling overwhelmed ... likely due to approaching hearing date (boy's father is asking to have his monitoring accessories removed since he has almost completed his year).

I was depressed this weekend, second one in a row without the boy (I had one weekend with him during the entire month of August). I find myself angry at him because his absence hurts me, though I know it is not his fault.

I am overwhelmed at work and not feeling valued.

I hate the end of summer.

OITNB

I'm awfully late to the OITNB game, but out of sheer boredom this weekend, my mom and I began watching the first season. It was that or go see "The Fault in Our Stars," which mom thought was a bit too depressing for my fragile psyche these days.

I'm not sure what to make of the series just yet, though it's certainly entertaining and makes my life seem way less fucked up. Also, it provides some needed perspective into why I should refrain from being forced to wear orange.

A diff kind of high ...

From the JFC wall-walking soundtrack:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SYM-RJwSGQ8

What an indescribable trip. Missing it already and having trouble adjusting!

T minus ... a little more than 24

Jedi Fight Club approaches ... And Michael is on rotation.

I just practiced for what will likely be the last time stateside until I return ... my fourth 5:30 a.m. class this week. I've been practicing daily, and even though I'm super anxious, I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'll have to accept where I am and just be ok with that. I'm there to learn, afterall.

I still can't believe I'm going.

Easiest way to update ...

A message I sent to my cousin today ... she lives across the pond.

I have been too frazzled to keep up with the details these days, so I'm sure you can piece things together from this communication, mostly.

Hiya, cousin. Thank you for the birthday wishes. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that for some reason, I feel good today. Shouldn't be so noteworthy, eh? Well, I think it's because I'm 11 days through Ryder's first summer possession with his father AND because after 10 nights with his dad and away from our home, he was with me overnight last night for my birthday. Didn't know how much I needed that time with him. So I dropped him at his father's this morning before work ... only seven more sleeps until he's home again. And we leave in nine days for Florida. Mom started her drive there today and will pick R and me up from the airport next week. We'll be there six sleeps! Also, I like the day-after the birthday better than the "approaching/impending doom," and I survived July 4 weekend - without Ryder and without Tim (he was in Kentucky for a week). Tim got back last night and surprised us at my house when mom, R and I got back from dinner and theater. And heck, maybe even virtual wishes on social media are having an effect. But whatever the reason, I'll take this over the dumps any day. Not even going to worry about if it will last at this point. Wrapping some things up at the office and off to yoga soon. That always helps, too. Anyway, wanted to send a note where I'm not b*tching for a change. Love ya and hope all is well!

Week in summary: Challenge complete

OK, so Father's Day came and went and so did my Sunday depression/blues. And for that I'm grateful. Though I should be/possibly am PMS'ing ... so there's that.

I totally finished my 60-Day Challenge a week early, and I've not even posted about it here. I'm not feeling eloquent at all though. And even though I finished the challenge Wednesday, I still practiced last night and am planning on being in the hot room again in less than two hours.

I am such a "go big or go home" person, so "all or nothing," so type-A. I always go overboard. With everything. And I'm aware of it.

Anyway, for obvious reasons, I found this article entertaining: 9 Signs You're Addicted to Bikram Yoga.

Read it, and naturally you'll understand why I might have verbally said, "Yes, Yes, YES" when I discovered there's a studio in Naples. I thought I was going to be SOL next month when I'm in Florida. Relief.

And also, you might understand that I'm having a mini-heart attack realizing I have to pick up my kid and get to practice because it starts in just 70 minutes (yes, I was dicking around and IM'ing and FB'ing and whatnot while also working on this little update here).

M'kay, bye.

Father's Day 2014

I woke up to find myself unexpectedly down and depressed this Father's Day. I really didn't expect it to have an affect on me, but live and learn.

I'm not depressed that I'm not seeing my father, or that I haven't since February. I'm sad because I have no desire to even phone him. I'm sad reflecting on how much he has let me down, and I'm sad because it hurts. It's no wonder I don't trust people at all.

This is also the third weekend in a row that my son has not been at home because his father has possession of him, and my body physically hurts because I miss him so much. I'm eager for him to return tomorrow, and I can't wait until next weekend when I get to enjoy some quality time with him ... before he heads to his father's for 18 straight days at the end of June and beginning of July. I wonder when this won't be so painful. Ever?

So anyway, I'm heading to the yoga studio to turn the pain up a notch today. Sometimes that's the only thing that gives me any relief.