Very, very sick

So the good news is that I got to pick up R yesterday. And the messed up part was I had to drive to Fort Worth, to my dad's mother-in-law's (M's) to get him.

Driving there, with T in my passenger seat, the closer we got to the house, the more I wanted to puke.

This whole scene is sick and twisted, and incestuous. I can't get over it.

I went into M's house when she invited me to do so. She was pleasant but did not remember me. Because of her Alzheimer's. She said I looked like someone she once knew. It was sad.

She took me through the house to the area where my ex-husband resides. And as I passed the kitchen refrigerator, I noticed photos on the fridge ... of my son and his father, that I could tell my father's wife put on display, certainly to make things "home-y." Photos of Ryder as a baby with his father. No photos of me, as there have been in the past, of course. Are you feeling queasy yet?

We found the guys in their room, R sort of hiding from me. It was awkward.

M was clueless, said we didn't have to rush off, but I explained that we had an hour drive back to Dallas and had to get ready for school and work today, after our Spring Break.

I was just stewing though ... I got in a bad funk, depressed that this is my reality -- that I have to drive to M's house to fetch my son ... and I realized how friggin mad I am at my father. My therapist will say this is not his fault. But I have a hard time seeing how the hell it's not his fault. Besides I don't know who else to be angry at. Sure, I'm pissed that my ex husband is disgusting enough to accept a free place to stay from my father's wife. But I divorced him for a reason.

My family, I thought, was supposed to support me. The whole thing is very, very sick.

Bikram

So this weekend I attended two Bikram classes, three hours of hot yoga in less than 24.

So I'm ready for the nun-chucks. I'm ready to kick some ass.

Use nun-chucks. Nun-chucks are good.

 "I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing."
- Domino

On the positive

Reasons today is a better day than yesterday already:

1) It's not Monday
2) I woke up with my boy under my roof
3) I took him to school
4) There was no fire drill this morning, no burning flames in my InBox

That's enough for me right now.

A little IM mostly sums things up ...

I'm still having difficulty adjusting to my son's father's return ... of course he's unemployed again. It's ridiculous. We can't seem to get along, mostly b/c I have zero respect for him and don't believe he's a good role model for our son. Blarghity, blargh-blargh.

I'm very "black and white." I'm either completely passionate about something or I despise it. And both of those categories suck energy. So I'm trying very hard to put things I can't control into a "gray" bucket. Gray matter. Can't control it, so don't waste energy on it. Otherwise I'll drive myself bananas.

This is not easy discipline for me.

This song's title inspired my previous post title

Such Great Heights

Enjoy.

Such Great Heights

I was reminded of the movie Garden State this evening, particularly the scene where Zach drives away from the gas pump while the nozzle is still in his tank. Yeah, I totally drove away from the pump with the nozzle in my tank. Fortunately it didn't break (like in the movie) nor did it harm anything, like my car.

I couldn't find the full scene, but you can get a visual at 26 seconds into this trailer.

OMG, where is my mind these days? Guess I was in a hurry, and my mind was consumed by trying to be safe on the roads. Ha.

And yes, I'm admitting this on the Internet. Hi, Internet.