Longest I've gone between hair washes? Not that I'm proud but ... washed on a Monday and not again until the following Wednesday. Eight full days of dirty-hair.
Don't judge ... or do; I don't care. I'm just disappointed I don't have dreadlocks.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
I *really* can't make this shit up, people
OK, so ... pretty much as expected, my son's father is once again *unemployed,* and apparently the cousins he's been living with? Well, after five months, they've tired of his residing with them (naturally). So he had to start looking for a place to live.
And guess what? My father's wife, the one I can't stand? The one I've not spoken with or seen since the beginning of November because of a blow-out about her siding with the damn enemy? Well, she's having him move in with her elderly mother. No shit.
OK, the woman has Alzheimer's and needs constant care, but my son's father is not qualified to care for the elderly.
I can't and probably don't even need to tell you how fucked up this situation is. I've cut these people out of my life, and they just form a union and work together against me. And once again, someone else is helping my son's father "manage life". He can't take care of himself, he can't keep a roof over his head and food in his mouth or stay on top of his child support. So how in the hell is he going to really take care of this elderly woman?
You know what? He's not. My father's wife will still come over daily and do all of the work. It's just her excuse to provide this man with a place to live here locally so that, at 41 years old, he won't (yet) have to go back to Ohio to live with his own elderly parents.
This? Is all kinds of fucked up and wrong in so many ways.
And guess what? My father's wife, the one I can't stand? The one I've not spoken with or seen since the beginning of November because of a blow-out about her siding with the damn enemy? Well, she's having him move in with her elderly mother. No shit.
OK, the woman has Alzheimer's and needs constant care, but my son's father is not qualified to care for the elderly.
I can't and probably don't even need to tell you how fucked up this situation is. I've cut these people out of my life, and they just form a union and work together against me. And once again, someone else is helping my son's father "manage life". He can't take care of himself, he can't keep a roof over his head and food in his mouth or stay on top of his child support. So how in the hell is he going to really take care of this elderly woman?
You know what? He's not. My father's wife will still come over daily and do all of the work. It's just her excuse to provide this man with a place to live here locally so that, at 41 years old, he won't (yet) have to go back to Ohio to live with his own elderly parents.
This? Is all kinds of fucked up and wrong in so many ways.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
How do I love thee (or know you're my boo)?
Um, he renewed our CostCo vows.
That's actually a pretty huge deal, especially considering what an ass I was over holiday. Also? He appreciates that I loved the film, The Wolf of Wall Street, which has been deemed *not* a date movie and is not sitting well with most suburban mothers. And it's probably not a date movie, especially if you're not completely honest with your mate. At the same time, I'm certainly glad I didn't see it with either of my 'rents.
Grateful, in January.
That's actually a pretty huge deal, especially considering what an ass I was over holiday. Also? He appreciates that I loved the film, The Wolf of Wall Street, which has been deemed *not* a date movie and is not sitting well with most suburban mothers. And it's probably not a date movie, especially if you're not completely honest with your mate. At the same time, I'm certainly glad I didn't see it with either of my 'rents.
Grateful, in January.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Setting my alarm for the first time in longer than I care to admit
In an attempt to avoid end-of-holiday anxiety, we hit the movie theater to see The Wolf of Wall Street at 7 p.m. It's a three-hour movie (I loved it), but I'm home now, and it's time to get some sleep so that I can be up before 7 a.m. tomorrow and get to the office. So I can get back to the "routine": Work (though I'm grateful for it), a.m. school drop-offs, after-school program pick-ups, sports practices, all of it ...
I'm usually very ready to cross the finish line into a new year, but there are so many things I want/need/have to tackle, that I just don't want to deal with. I'm not ready, for the first time in a very long time. I'm not ready, but the new year is here. Resolutions? Don't get me started ...
It was a crazy holiday, filled with drama and illness ... but I admit I'm intimidated by the new year this year. I no longer have the mantra to "make it my bitch." I would really just like some harmony; I'd like to get along better in 2014.
Wishing you all a great new year, and wishing myself the strength to tackle it, and maybe even give it a hug.
I'm usually very ready to cross the finish line into a new year, but there are so many things I want/need/have to tackle, that I just don't want to deal with. I'm not ready, for the first time in a very long time. I'm not ready, but the new year is here. Resolutions? Don't get me started ...
It was a crazy holiday, filled with drama and illness ... but I admit I'm intimidated by the new year this year. I no longer have the mantra to "make it my bitch." I would really just like some harmony; I'd like to get along better in 2014.
Wishing you all a great new year, and wishing myself the strength to tackle it, and maybe even give it a hug.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Hurting others ...
It really sucks to know you hurt another person so bad. Especially a person who has shown undying loyalty under extremely rough circumstances.
I have to forgive myself for that, and not repeat it in the future.
I have to forgive myself for that, and not repeat it in the future.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
And just when I think I have everything under control ...
... just when I think that? I surprise myself and everyone around me and go a little bat-shit crazy destructive.
I decided to end my "CostCo marriage" with the man in my life, as our card expired on NYE anyway (our "CostCo marriage" was a little joke of ours). Several things had been building up in my head, I was feeling insecure, I was scared of being left and abandoned, so what did I do? I took charge of things, of course. I felt like my man was pulling away from me, though it was his busiest work week, and he -- like me -- he has had the flu ... but I couldn't see his perspective and didn't ask for it. I was being SELFISH. I was scared. And so I tried to piss him off and run him off, and you know what? If one tries hard enough, one can run just about anyone off. I succeeded. Then I proceeded to call my mother and cry for hours on the telephone. That my was how I spent the last evening of the 2013 year.
This man and I originally had dinner plans with another couple on NYE, as mentioned in my prior post, but we couldn't predict we'd both end up very ill with the flu. And even though we couldn't and shouldn't and didn't go "out," no one wants to be around anyone else when tossing and turning all night, with a hacking cough. He didn't want to, and I get that now. I see that now. I didn't see it last night. I wanted him to come over. My son has been gone since Saturday, and I wanted my boo to come over. He was hesitant (b/c ill), and I got hurt and mad, and I lashed out and said, "Fuck it. Let's break up." Makes absolute sense right? Of course not.
He was shocked, hurt ("bruised," as he said), and came and got his belongings from my house, which I had placed in the driveway because I was? Being an ASSHOLE.
Also, having gotten sick of taking ibuprofen, mucinex, and my regular anti-Ds ... so sick of pills ... I decided to stop taking absolutely everything about three days prior. (In addition, I was PMS'ing when I got the flu and am on my "cycle" now. Sucks.) My man did the same -- stopped medication, so apparently I'm not unique in that I get sick of taking fucking pills. Only he doesn't take anti-Ds, so he can remain sane while medicinally free. Me on the other hand? Not so much. This is not my first failed attempt at cold-turkey stopping my anti-Ds.
Upon reflection now, I realize that if I truly desire to stop my anti-Ds that I should talk to my doctor about the proper way to wean off of them. Cold turkey clearly doesn't work for me anymore, and I leave a bunch of unknowing, innocent bystanders as victims in the way. It *also* sucks.
I regret treating the one person who stood by my side, during the rough ride of 2013, like a total asshole. He didn't deserve it. And I can't repair the damage I caused to a 15+ year friendship. However he did take my call this evening, and we talked for an hour. I wasn't attempting to get "back together." I just wanted him to know that I am sorry about my inappropriate behavior and the way I treated him. He accepted my apology, and maybe, just maybe, one day he will forgive me. Or maybe he won't, and perhaps I will learn a very important lesson about how to treat people who really, truly love me. A hard lesson -- for me -- to learn.
I need to STOP pushing away people who CARE.
I can only hope that 2014 is a better year for myself and my loved ones. But hoping won't be enough. It's time for me to make some significant personal changes, which I will likely have to conquer on my own.
And finally, I don't know what I'd do without my mother. I can't even imagine it ... the unconditional love she provides to me is one of the few anchors I have. She's one of the only people I trust, perhaps the one only entirely. I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. And I hope my own child feels the same about me one day, when he is grown.
Life is hard. I hope it gets better in the new year.
I decided to end my "CostCo marriage" with the man in my life, as our card expired on NYE anyway (our "CostCo marriage" was a little joke of ours). Several things had been building up in my head, I was feeling insecure, I was scared of being left and abandoned, so what did I do? I took charge of things, of course. I felt like my man was pulling away from me, though it was his busiest work week, and he -- like me -- he has had the flu ... but I couldn't see his perspective and didn't ask for it. I was being SELFISH. I was scared. And so I tried to piss him off and run him off, and you know what? If one tries hard enough, one can run just about anyone off. I succeeded. Then I proceeded to call my mother and cry for hours on the telephone. That my was how I spent the last evening of the 2013 year.
This man and I originally had dinner plans with another couple on NYE, as mentioned in my prior post, but we couldn't predict we'd both end up very ill with the flu. And even though we couldn't and shouldn't and didn't go "out," no one wants to be around anyone else when tossing and turning all night, with a hacking cough. He didn't want to, and I get that now. I see that now. I didn't see it last night. I wanted him to come over. My son has been gone since Saturday, and I wanted my boo to come over. He was hesitant (b/c ill), and I got hurt and mad, and I lashed out and said, "Fuck it. Let's break up." Makes absolute sense right? Of course not.
He was shocked, hurt ("bruised," as he said), and came and got his belongings from my house, which I had placed in the driveway because I was? Being an ASSHOLE.
Also, having gotten sick of taking ibuprofen, mucinex, and my regular anti-Ds ... so sick of pills ... I decided to stop taking absolutely everything about three days prior. (In addition, I was PMS'ing when I got the flu and am on my "cycle" now. Sucks.) My man did the same -- stopped medication, so apparently I'm not unique in that I get sick of taking fucking pills. Only he doesn't take anti-Ds, so he can remain sane while medicinally free. Me on the other hand? Not so much. This is not my first failed attempt at cold-turkey stopping my anti-Ds.
Upon reflection now, I realize that if I truly desire to stop my anti-Ds that I should talk to my doctor about the proper way to wean off of them. Cold turkey clearly doesn't work for me anymore, and I leave a bunch of unknowing, innocent bystanders as victims in the way. It *also* sucks.
I regret treating the one person who stood by my side, during the rough ride of 2013, like a total asshole. He didn't deserve it. And I can't repair the damage I caused to a 15+ year friendship. However he did take my call this evening, and we talked for an hour. I wasn't attempting to get "back together." I just wanted him to know that I am sorry about my inappropriate behavior and the way I treated him. He accepted my apology, and maybe, just maybe, one day he will forgive me. Or maybe he won't, and perhaps I will learn a very important lesson about how to treat people who really, truly love me. A hard lesson -- for me -- to learn.
I need to STOP pushing away people who CARE.
I can only hope that 2014 is a better year for myself and my loved ones. But hoping won't be enough. It's time for me to make some significant personal changes, which I will likely have to conquer on my own.
And finally, I don't know what I'd do without my mother. I can't even imagine it ... the unconditional love she provides to me is one of the few anchors I have. She's one of the only people I trust, perhaps the one only entirely. I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. And I hope my own child feels the same about me one day, when he is grown.
Life is hard. I hope it gets better in the new year.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
2013/2014 ... I might actually be OK
So another first ... though I had my son this Christmas (with it being an "odd numbered year" and all), he left today to spend the remainder of his school holiday with his father. He will be gone nine nights, which is the longest I've ever been without him in a decade basically. (I know, I should be living it up and enjoying it, right? But not possible.)
I seem to be coping with this holiday better than I did the Thanksgiving holiday, which is a good thing. I'm trying very hard to accept this ruling and to avoid being SELFISH, though it's difficult. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm certain my son needs to spend time with his father, no matter how much his departures break my heart. Is it possible to be too attached to one's child? I'm not looking for a response from any men ... I truly believe men simply cannot understand how very connected a mother and child are.
I remember when I learned I was pregnant, and oh how I cried. I bawled. I called my own mother ... I was terrified because being a mother is a HUGE responsibility. I stopped all of my medications immediately upon learning I was pregnant. I breastfed for four months after his birth, and I was very careful about what I put in my body -- FOR HIM, not for me. When it comes to me, I'm usually reckless. His conception changed everything for me.
And I've spent the last nine years trying to be the best mother I can, given where I'm at. No one is perfect, and I definitely am not.
A friend told me, "Parenting, at it's best, is heartbreaking." And I believe that to be so true. It might have something to do with why I've never wanted or had another child. It's so hard to love another person so much, especially for someone like me who is difficult to really get to know and understand. Perhaps everyone's that way; perhaps I'm not so "unique."
Anyway, I think I'll be OK while he's gone. I'm going to work on Monday; I have NYE plans with my boo and with another mother friend I adore and haven't seen in quite some time.
I've also managed to clean out all of my drawers and my master bedroom closet, and the charity is coming Monday to pick up a giant bag I filled with clothes to be donated.
This year has been difficult, but again, perhaps necessary? I'm looking forward to 2014. And I think I might actually be OK.
I seem to be coping with this holiday better than I did the Thanksgiving holiday, which is a good thing. I'm trying very hard to accept this ruling and to avoid being SELFISH, though it's difficult. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm certain my son needs to spend time with his father, no matter how much his departures break my heart. Is it possible to be too attached to one's child? I'm not looking for a response from any men ... I truly believe men simply cannot understand how very connected a mother and child are.
I remember when I learned I was pregnant, and oh how I cried. I bawled. I called my own mother ... I was terrified because being a mother is a HUGE responsibility. I stopped all of my medications immediately upon learning I was pregnant. I breastfed for four months after his birth, and I was very careful about what I put in my body -- FOR HIM, not for me. When it comes to me, I'm usually reckless. His conception changed everything for me.
And I've spent the last nine years trying to be the best mother I can, given where I'm at. No one is perfect, and I definitely am not.
A friend told me, "Parenting, at it's best, is heartbreaking." And I believe that to be so true. It might have something to do with why I've never wanted or had another child. It's so hard to love another person so much, especially for someone like me who is difficult to really get to know and understand. Perhaps everyone's that way; perhaps I'm not so "unique."
Anyway, I think I'll be OK while he's gone. I'm going to work on Monday; I have NYE plans with my boo and with another mother friend I adore and haven't seen in quite some time.
I've also managed to clean out all of my drawers and my master bedroom closet, and the charity is coming Monday to pick up a giant bag I filled with clothes to be donated.
This year has been difficult, but again, perhaps necessary? I'm looking forward to 2014. And I think I might actually be OK.
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